Hot Pope Not That Hot

Hot Pope Not That Hot
Image: (Backgrid)

What I know about The Young Pope is as follows: there’s a pope; he’s young; he drinks Cherry Coke Zero; and in the beginning of the show, there is a small, naked baby that crawls atop a pile of babies and somehow, in the end, Jude Law emerges. None of this information explains this photo.

Here is Jude Law—the titular Pope—strolling down a catwalk flanked by women in bathing suits, holding volleyballs, in a tiny pair of underpants that display his Young Pope in all its papal glory. The bod is lightly furred and buff. The abs are chiseled, such that they form a version of the God’s Eye craft that one might have made in kindergarten, rendered not in acrylic yarn, but in flesh. He’s an attractive man to many people, as evidenced by his long-lasting career in Hollywood, but is he so attractive as to inspire the overwhelming and unnecessarily horny thirst that I have seen throughout this cursed Tuesday?

No. I’m sorry. He’s not.

Image: (Backgrid)

Up close, I see a man in excellent physical shape whose body is compact and squat. He is attractive because we have been conditioned to accept this kind of body as attractive; I wouldn’t kick him out of bed, but I also wouldn’t necessarily break my back to get him in there, either. Should I be so lucky to fuck the Young Pope? Probably not, with this attitude! But the circus surrounding the internet’s vast, unslakable thirst for literally anything, from Noah Centineo to this unholy video of a butternut squash, is tiresome and further proves the nascent theory that not a single soul out there understands what it means to be horny. Performing thirst over a picture of a man who is conventionally attractive and also paid to be as such is boring.

Be thirsty for a fire hydrant that looks at you sideways. Rev your engine for the barista at your coffee place who now gives you free things because you smiled one day when you were in a good mood. Be horny for whatever you want, but I ask you, dial it back for the Famouses. Save your sexual energy for those who might be able to do something nasty with it in return.

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