My Old Boss Sent Me a Douche and I Don't Know How I Feel About It

I’m a little worried about you, too. The work you’ve done here to apologize for his behavior, blame yourself for it, AND make doing something about it solely about protecting other people is, for lack of a better phrase, kind of bananas. You are in danger, period. This is not normal or okay, period. Call the police and then a good therapist.

Dear Jane,

I have been asked to be the best man for a buddy’s wedding. We are both professionals in our late twenties, currently living in cities three hours apart. We grew up in the same small village in a rural area and have been friends since childhood.

One wedding tradition from our rural community is the “Stag (or buck) and Doe, a kind of pre wedding drunk-fest hosted by the members of the wedding party, the sole purpose of which is to raise as much money as possible for the engaged couple. Raffle tickets for donated items are sold, and people are encouraged to play various games of chance which can set one back a substantial amount of money over the course of the evening.

My buddy sent me (and the rest of the wedding party) an email this week saying that he and his bride have chosen not to have a Stag and Doe. I was greatly relieved, because I have always felt that this is a crass money-grab. However, he went on to say that they WILL have a raffle of “donated” items. He expects the members of the wedding party to collect “quality” donations in kind, and then to sell the raffle tickets at work and to friends and family. Crass money-grab without having to look the poor saps in the eye! It would be career suicide for me to sell such tickets at work to my colleagues who do not know the groom and I will not do it. I do not relish asking people to donate items or buy tickets.

The other groomsmen feel the same way that I do. Our buddy has a good job. He and his fiancé own a home. The rest of us are saving towards down payments.

So, my question is, how do I respond to this email truthfully without ruining our friendship?

Grumpy Groomsman

Oh, wow. Why are you friends with this dude? If it’s because you have deep, heartfelt conversations and you understand each other and support one another throughout life’s ups and downs, then surely you can talk to him about this. If it’s more out of inertia, then maybe you do nothing. Just tell him you couldn’t find any takers. Who cares? Not you, right?

If it’s the former, just know that weddings make everyone crazy and your sense-talking might not be received very well right now. You and the other groomsmen are 100 percent right that this is inappropriate and gross, no doubt. Maybe a simple note signed by all of you that says, “Hey guy, we’re all really excited to be part of your special day. We’re also super UN-excited to be hawking products around our offices in order to pay for your honeymoon, or whatever. Please don’t make us do this! It’s embarrassing. Can we help you brainstorm another way to raise some cash?” And then add the link to one of those honeymoon fund websites (also gross, IMO). That’ll get you out of the begging-for-cash situation at the very least. At most you won’t have to be friends any more! Huzzah.

Dear Jane,

I have a problem. I’m too nice.

I can’t say no to people, even people I dislike. I get asked a lot of favors, because I rarely turn anyone down, even if it’s a favor for someone I don’t particularly like. I always agree, always say it’s fine because to turn them down would be mean, because I’m too worried about hurting their feelings to turn them down, even if it means sucking it up and making myself miserable. I apologize for everything, constantly- for talking too much, for saying the wrong thing, for every little thing under the sun. I’m so tired of it!

Here’s a recent example: For some time, I’ve felt the need to end a friendship. I used to consider Carrie a close friend, and came out to her as gay very early on in our friendship. She’d agreed not to tell anyone, and then promptly outed my sexuality to all of our mutual coworkers. A life lesson on who to trust, right?

It wasn’t until five years later that someone told me that Carrie had spilled the beans so long ago. I confronted her about this, and she apologized. It seemed genuine, but I no longer felt as though I could trust her, for obvious reasons. After some time, though, I told her I forgave her. We no longer work together, so I no longer encounter her regularly, which made it easier to offer my forgiveness and be done with it, especially since we have mutual friends. Everything would be easier, I thought, even if I wasn’t sure if I really forgave her or not.

Then she asked if we could still be friends. Wanting the awfulness to just be over, I told her we could be. But since then, she asks to hang out from time to time (though not nearly as often as before), and I’m constantly coming up with reasons to cancel, even if I have no desire to see her. But she seems determined to keep trying, even as I hope she’ll get the message. The distance has made me much more aware of other qualities she possesses that I do not admire. Things that, even aside from her betrayal of my trust, make me not want her in my life anymore. Our views and values really don’t align.

I realize that I need to be honest with her about how I feel, in a way that I haven’t been up until now. Attempting to let our friendship fade away isn’t working, and she deserves my honesty. And damn it all, I’m still, to my intense frustration, worried about hurting her feelings!

How should I stop being so untruthfully nice to her, and in other situations? To do so feels dishonest when I don’t mean it. How can I overcome something that I know has been socialized into me for the entirety of my life? Women are supposed to be “nice,” but I’m sick of it. How can I learn to be more assertive and stand up for myself? Having empathy is a good thing, but there comes a time when enough is enough. There’s a difference between being a kind, thoughtful person and folding like wet cardboard.

Sincerely,

Rather Be (Not So) Nice

You don’t sound that nice to me, and I mean that as a compliment! Since when is it nice to tell people what they want to hear? You’ve basically straight-up lied to this lady and now here she is thinking she doesn’t suck as hard as she obviously does. That is rude. Especially to the rest of us who now have to work twice as hard convince her that she’s kind of an asshole. When you can muster the courage, if you still care at that point, let her know she violated your personhood in a really significant way and you don’t trust her. If she wants so badly to be around you, she’s got a lot of work to do on her end. Then let her sit there and figure it out while you go find real friends.

You’re right that women are conditioned to be accommodating to assholes, that is true and a giant problem. But here’s the thing about assholes: they LOVE being assholes. Being assholes is their favorite. They love it so much they don’t even think it’s a problem, so telling them or not telling them usually garners the same result. It’s awesome that you are over worrying about everyone else’s feelings above your own and ready to move on to another way of being. Start small. Next time a server asks you if your meal is okay when it is not okay, say something. “The conversation is great, but this burger is not.” They might be bummed or they might bring you ice cream! Either way, the worst that will happen is they go home mad that one lady didn’t kiss their butt for serving a shitty burger, and that is their penance.

The great thing about non-assholes is that when you tell them the truth, they listen, even when it’s difficult to hear. It might take a few very uncomfortable conversations, especially if the situation you’re discussing is as serious as the one with Carrie, but a good friend will hear you and, along with some potentially hurt feelings, you give them the chance to empathize with you for once.