Please Indulge Our Guesses for Succession‘s ‘Mega-Twist’

This slideshow now contains spoilers for the third episode of Succession.

We’re two episodes into the final season of Succession, which means we have eight episodes left before Logan tells us to “fuck off!” for good. The theme song comes on, we do our little dance, and then we watch the world’s most fucked up family do whatever it takes to avoid saying “I care about you” to one another, while multi-billions of dollars trade back and forth between people who’ve never eaten at a Chili’s.

Before the season premiere aired, the Daily Beast ran a review of the first four episodes. Without spoiling any specifics, the outlet was adamant that this season “hinges on a bombshell that seems primed to break the Internet.” Color us fucking intrigued!!!

Unfortunately, Jezebel was among the many outlets that did not receive an early screener of this week’s episode, which leads us to the conclusion that this week is the week of said twist. (In the case that this week is not the week, we do not hold ourselves liable for this statement. Please do not sue us, even in an affectionate way.)

To bide our time, as we wait to admire more of Shiv’s tailored pantsuits, we’ve assembled our own deranged fan theories about what this internet-breaking twist might be. Obviously, they’re “all bangers.”

Update 4/10: We called it: Logan Roy was not the picture of good health and died on his PJ (private jet) en route to Sweden. A full obituary can be read in the Los Angeles Times. Since we didn’t see him physically die, we can now entertain thoughts that that wasn’t actually his body unloaded at Teterboro.

Is this choice so obvious that it’s almost impossible for a TV writer to make? Yes. Do we think the man who spent a…while in the hospital in season one is the picture of health? No. But imagine Logan dying without finalizing the GoJo deal, while the kids are at war over what they want to do with Waystar Royco? Especially with Connor needing that money to get through the last primary push of the election?? It’s a ticking time bomb, and Logan’s death would give us plenty of fodder to finish out the series. Plus, this family loves an event, and it’d be great to switch it up from weddings to a funeral, for once.

Kerry, the woman who only recently decided to have a personality, is obviously pregnant. We can’t wait for a Rupert Murdoch shotgun engagement and an abortion will-she-won’t-she plotline before Kerry and her progeny are written into the family trust, sending even more chaos into the looming board meeting.

This is a cute little callback to the former president, who has now pled not guilty to his accused crimes in New York. You would think that Logan committing an obvious public crime like shooting someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue (or Park Avenue) would throw a wrench into the entire process of rebuilding ATN and making millions upon millions of dollars selling off Waystar Royco...you would think. We don’t know if the twist would be that this is what takes him down, or if it would be that he fully gets away with it. Either way, we’d be shocked!

Much like shooting a random New Yorker, Logan shooting one of his many children in a peak of Scottish rage would put a damper on everything. Unlike an overtly public crime, this gives us the opportunity for “fun” cover-ups a la Kendall killing the cater waiter. Plus, you’re telling us you haven’t wanted to shoot at least one of these characters over these four seasons? Cmon.

We left these unserious children at a precarious place. They are fracturing under the pressure of yet another board meeting. They have overcommitted on the Pierce deal (idiotic!) to spite their dad and will have to rob Aleksander Skarsgard to pay Pierce. It’s a play that’s not going to work, especially since Romulus, our love-starved baby*, has gone crawling back to daddy. We do see a world where this robbery of one billionaire to pay another billionaire blows up in their faces and causes a massive breach of contract lawsuit.

*This is the only place to say this: Isn’t it so weird that Roman signed his birthday text to Logan with his name like a boomer?

We just have a nagging feeling that Kendall’s involvement in the death of the cater-waiter at Shiv’s season 1 wedding is going to come back to bite him—and, we suspect, Logan—in the ass at some point this season. The accident has loomed heavily in the background over the last two seasons, even as Logan’s money and general conniving-ness seemed to make it go away. But this is the last season, meaning we’re barreling toward some sort of resolution or another—and not returning to such a pivotal moment in Kendall’s arc and his relationship with Logan would feel inconclusive. Here’s our theory: We could see surveillance footage or some sort of evidence surfacing that links Kendall to the crash. And, if Logan’s role in covering everything up is exposed, this could perhaps lead to the fall of the entire family.

Here’s what’s possibly our most unhinged theory: Willa rolls out a new play that’s met with critical acclaim, and not just the “so bad it’s good” reaction that Connor advised her to pursue. Artists tend to create their finest work in their darkest times, and lord knows how unenthused this woman is about marrying Connor. You’ll recall that even before running out on their rehearsal dinner, she persuaded herself to accept his proposal in the first place by chanting, “Fuck it!” Willa emerging as an up-and-coming, talented playwright in her own right would certainly be a twist.

As the adage goes, you can’t “make a Tom-lette without breaking some Greggs.” Over the years, Tom and Greg and their admittedly adorable friendship-slash-partnership has cultivated a devoted fanbase, which largely comprises shippers and supporters of the unsubtle homoerotic tones of their relationship. The Season 3 finale wraps with Tom likening Greg to his Sporus, Nero’s gay lover for whom he kills his own wife to be with. If Tom and Greg actually cross the line in some way—from Disgusting Brothers to Lovers—that would be a moderate twist. Certainly not too shocking, given everything we’ve already seen of these two. But sure, our jaws might lower a bit.

Speaking of beloved Succession relationships finally crossing the line, Gerri and Roman consummating their mommy x slime puppy situation would really be something—truly, the stuff of Wattpad fan fic dreams. Alternatively, we could see a twist in which Gerri goes scorched earth, turns on the whole family, and outs Roman, specifically, for all the dick pics, and out of the context of their relationship’s not-so-subtle sexual undertones, everything else that could be regarded as sexual harassment. These two are a walking powder keg of potential twists and surprises.

We know Connor is barely polling at 1% in the presidential race that he’s spent zero on-air time actually campaigning for, but perhaps there might be some “squeezing” that comes into play. And by that, we mean someone “squeezes” a trigger on a gun and kills Connor. We have absolutely no idea what anyone would gain from offing the eldest Roy child and, actually, the more we think about it we wonder if the family dynamic would even change that much. But it would still be shocking!

Connor is in politics and politics are dirty and dangerous, baby! Wait maybe Willa will kill him? Alright, our bets are on this.

Shiv has her fair share of dirty tricks up her well-tailored sleeves. Remember when she bribed the former employee Kira in D.C. about not testifying against the family after being sexually assaulted? That was nasty. What if Kira, in her spiritual healing journey, sought out a reputable journalist to tell her story and returns to seek revenge against the Roys? Then, in an effort to rebrand, Shiv becomes a lifestyle influencer.

So we know that Shiv has been locked out of all the best divorce lawyers in New York City after Tom conflicted them all out. Bitch-ass Logan move! But...there’s a high-profile lawyer in California who Shiv hasn’t tapped into yet: Nora Fanshaw aka Scarlett Johansson’s divorce attorney in Marriage Story, played by Oscar-winning actor Laura Dern, and based on real-life divorce lawyer to the stars, Laura Wasser. This would certainly be a crossover twist that would break the internet, though arguably not one that would do much for the plot.

But imagine all the new ways we would get to see Laura Dern sit! And then imagine her and Roman in a weird sit-off! Heaven.