Reader Roundup

By Dodai Stewart  |  April 28, 2010 | 8:30pm
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Pardon us if we turn red: Our best comments are an embarrassment of riches!

Best Comment Of The Day, in response to The World’s Sexiest Mustache Tattoo: “This is what happens when you pass out at one of LL Cool J’s parties.” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to May Glamour: For A Flatter Belly, Cut Back On Breathing: “Breathing makes you look fat? Of corset does! It took them this lung to figure that out?” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to How Accurately Can Old Wives Predict Your Baby’s Sex?: “And if you vomit rainbows, you’re pregnant with a unicorn.” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to Bigots Now Targeting Lesbian Teen’s Graduation: “And let us never forget that God doesn’t love us all. He loves some of us, me for instance. And he’s kind of cool with others. He just tolerates you, Tammy. And you little Jimmy? Sweet heaven. You he can’t fucking stand. Pull your pants up to your waist for fuck’s sake. Amen.” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to This Week In Tabloids: Everyone You Think Is Pretty Had Plastic Surgery:

Breathe but not enough that you’re bloated.
Fix your nose but not drastically enough that we can’t stop shaming you.
Stay young forever but don’t look desperate.
Be curvy in all the right places but not enough that you’re undisciplined.
Subtract 20 pounds from your current weight, attain that number in a week, but do it healthily or you’re setting a bad example. However, better that you lose the weight by unhealthy means than staying chubby.
And make sure to keep smiling the whole while, but not enough that it leaves lines on your ageless face.

• Best Comment Of The Day, in response to May Glamour: For A Flatter Belly, Cut Back On Breathing:

Who says we have to breathe?!
Who says!
Did you know?
Did you know?!
DID YOU KNOW that while self conscience, there is no medical need to breathe?!
Like other forms of devaluation, Breathinique is 99% effective when you do it every day.
With Breathinique, instead of breathing normally, you breathe only every three months.
That’s four times a year! (yay!)


While breathing only 4 times a year, you’re more likely to have gasping between these periods. This can be slight, like a hiccup, or like normal breathing and should decrease over time.

Like other forms of devaluation, Breathinique has serious risks such as bluing of the skin, loss of self esteem and/or consciousness, edema of the lungs, blood clots, stroke, heart attack and rigamortis. Smoking increases these risks, especially if you’re over 35. If you’ve ever had any of these conditions, certain cancers, or if you could be pregnant, you should not try Breathinique. Breathinique does not protect against HIV or STDs.

Reminder: If you see a great, funny, insightful, eloquent (or awful) comment, nominate it! Email the comment and the timestamp link to the left of the comment to Hortense at [email protected].

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