RIHANNA, JULY 2—In the United States, citizens are celebrating Independence Day weekend, a date which commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the liberation of Americans from the British, as well as the release from oppression and the DROP DATE for the NEW RIHANNA VIDEO, Y’ALL!
AHHHHHHHH! Ever since Thomas Jefferson told us about the imminence of #R8 and a messiah who would one day come to embody the American dream more flawlessly than even he could imagine, treasure hunters and truthseekers have made it the work of their lives to discover the savior’s identity; both Nicholas Cage and the author of The DaVinci Code are among those who have spent countless resources to reveal this precious glory.
But for the last 239 years, it has been a fruitless effort, because the entire time, RIHANNA was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! Maybe people didn’t understand, because she is Bajan and a woman and these efforts are always a little bit tinged by a colonial Judeo-Christian ideal that the savior will be white and male and born in the US, but it is just so obvious that Rihzus is the embodiment of perfection and a TRUE American savior and REVOLUTIONARY, just like our founding fathers, because just LOOK at the way she kidnaps a rich monarch-style person in this video and redistributes the money to her homegirls from the BLOCK! If that is not a personification of all the ideals this nation was founded upon, I don’t know what is! Actually, you know what, fuck the half-hearted voting we’re all gonna do in 2016, Rihanna for PRESIDENT! Now THAT’s a candidate I can GET behind!
NAVY! Let’s talk about what is going on in this “Bitch Better Have My Money” video, aka the greatest thing to happen this year, am I not wrong?!
First, Rihzus Christ aka our Lord and SAVIOR takes the rich white woman on the ride of her life, definitely the most fun she’s had in ages, which is going on a ROAD TRIP with Rihzus and her cool friends! We should all be so lucky! And they are nice kidnappers because after they shake the lady down for info they take her on a YACHT trip, which would have been fun except the hostage woman is corny and gets seasick which clearly BORES Rihanna for obvious reasons. Someone should have told that lady about SEA BANDS, Amirite?!?!?!?!?!?!?