Sexpert Susie Bright Answers Your Burning Questions


Susie Bright, sex-positive feminist and author, was gracious enough to help with your most troubling sex questions. All week, she and her daughter Aretha will be providing us with their sage advice. After the jump!

When Jezebel sent me all these juicy sex and relationship questions, I had a feeling my daughter Aretha would want to get in on it. Aretha’s cramming her “Statistics” homework-her last community college requirement before she transfers to university. It was pretty easy for me to interrupt: “Do you want to put in your two cents on these?” I knew she couldn’t resist.

I am almost 51. She is almost 19. She made me do all the menopause questions by myself, but I made her listen to the answers. We took turns typing and dictating.

My wife gets to the peak during intercourse and will not go over the edge. She’ll beg me to keep going, don’t stop, keep going-but even during those times when I can, in fact, keep it going-she never orgasms from intercourse alone. But I swear, she is on the edge of that orgasm. How do I get her over that edge? -Peter

Susie: Of course she doesn’t come “from intercourse alone.” No woman does. I’d love to strike that phrase from the English language.

Aretha: Put your hand down there! Or one of those vibrators that slip on your finger like a ring!

Susie: It’s as if she licked your balls and the bottom of your shaft for hours…you’d be screaming for relief, too. You probably need some serious attention to the head of your cock, just like virtually every other man in the universe. You know, the answer is a lot closer than you think. How does your wife masturbate? How does she make herself come? Does she use something dildo-like inside her? How does she get over the top? She knows. Ask her sometime when you’re nowhere near the sexual tension bubble.

I am about to have sex with someone and it is his first time. He is very nervous and loses his erection every time we begin to put a condom on. Help! -Kitty

Aretha: A girl after my own heart! First, on the condoms-make sure they’re the easiest, roomiest, most user-friendly you can buy. Like, “Twisted Pleasure Trojan,” or “Her Pleasure.”

Susie: I swear by the “P”-shapes, like the “Pleasure Plus,” or the “Lifestyle Dual Pleasure.”

Aretha: They don’t have those at Long’s Drugstore! Trojan is everywhere. The point is, no “Kimono Micro Thin” or that cheap crap they hand out at the college nurse’s office. Tell him, however you want to say it: “You’re going to masturbate with condoms.” You get him to “Jack and Edge,” that’s the homework.

Susie: Did you make that up? “Jack and Edge”? I mean, I know what you mean, instantly, but I never heard that before.

Aretha: Yeah, that’s what I decided to call it.

Susie: Everyone else calls it “stop and start” or something clinical, but this is much better.

Aretha: Yeah, but we have to keep going here, Mom. I have to leave in 15 minutes. Once he gets the good ones, he needs to learn he can come with them on, so he can put “condom and coming” together. That won’t take long. The next part is: whatever gets him off, before intercourse, you have to do that a lot. If you haven’t already, say all the reassuring stuff like: “It’s going to be fun, good for me, fun for you, etc.” The first pancake, it’s like that. You’re going to make a lot more. It doesn’t matter if he comes right away-it’s like, “Don’t worry, we’ll do it again and again.”

Now, depending on his type, you might have to be the girl who gets him hard, puts the condom on him right then, sits down on him, and starts moving. That’s if he needs to be pounced on. But if he has to make the first move, then you have to start out really relaxed, no rush-pretend like you could be doing anything. You have an open invitation to have sex, but no focus on, “We’re going to have sex in the next five minutes.” One time, in this situation, I even took a “little nap.” Once my attention was off of the guy, he recharged and went for it.

But then there’s you, how you get ready. You better masturbate that day beforehand, because the deflowering is probably going to be about him, not you. Take care of yourself so you can relax. This could take more than one date. It’s real important not to get focused on one night. If it’s a holiday, or one of those “special occasions,” make it easy and romantic, nothing too difficult to put together, ’cause that’s too much pressure. Three candles, some good food, whatever‚but just keep trying.

Susie: Okay, but what if you do all that, and his erection fails when he actually is about to enter you?

Aretha: Take the condom off immediately. Start jacking or touching him; say, “I’m so glad you have a lot of condoms, we’re going to go through a lot!”

A girl I went to high school with is a porn star now. She was always stunningly beautiful and nice to everyone then- and she’s still both of those things. She loves what she does and is successful. I’m happy for her. It makes me feel bad, though, when I come across her videos and see captions calling her derogatory names. What steps are being taken so that more movies where girls are having fun and are in charge are made? What other steps are being taken so that porn stars can be viewed as human beings? Do you think it is possible for porn to evolve in this direction? -Patsy

Aretha: Uh, I think it already has. For a long time! I mean, there are women directors and feminist porn…if she were working with different people, they wouldn’t be like that. (Check out Cathy Winks’ Guide to Adult VIdeos).

Susie: Have you talked to her about it? Why do you keep watching? I don’t know what the deal is with you two. If you’re close, you talk about this stuff. If you’re not, you’re a voyeur. But here’s something to remember: If she were in Hollywood movies or prime-time TV, you would also be shocked and disgusted at all the sexist degrading things that she was put through. It’s not any different just because you’re naked and screwing.

Aretha: That’s a good point. I mean, take “Kim Bauer“!

Susie: You mean, from 24? [Falls off bed laughing] Yeah, it doesn’t get worse than that.

Susie’s newest book is X: The Erotic Treasury. She blogs at and podcasts about sex and politics weekly on: In Bed With Susie Bright.

Susie at Happy Ending Lounge, photo by Stacie Joy.
Susie & Aretha, photo by Jon Bailiff.

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