The Five People You Stand Next To at a Concert


Much like the five people you meet in heaven, these folks* are unforgettable.

1. Drunk Dancing Girl.

Drunk Dancing Girl is very excited and her movements are unpredictable, erratic and exaggerated. She bumps into you a lot and does not say sorry. She is not necessarily on-rhythm, and she is not necessarily a good dancer, but what she lacks in skill she makes up for in enthusiasm. Sometimes she shows up with Horny Drunk Boyfriend, whom she mercilessly gropes, and he, in turn, can’t keep his hands off of her, and before you know it you’re helplessly forced to watch someone get almost-fingered to the melodic strains of Kendrick Lamar.

2. The Guy Who Shouts and Finger Whistles So Loud Your Eardrums Throb.

WOOOOOO! YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! This guy. This guy is loud. This guy is so loud. This guy is shouting like his life depends on it. This guy has a vein popping out of his neck and a weird glint in his eye. This guy will definitely damage your tympanic membrane. This guy might shower you in spittle without realizing it. Step away from this guy. (Depending on the venue/performer, this guy may manifest in female form, screeching, wailing and shrieking at the top of her lungs and crying uncontrollably.)

3. The ‘Fan’ Who Doesn’t Know The Words But Is Singing Along Anyway.

“I’m friends with the MUSTARD that’s under my bed…”

“Baby can you breed/a cactus from Jamaica.”

“Excuse me while I kiss this guy.”

4. Mystery Person Smoking Weed.

It’s coming from somewhere, near you. You smell it, but you can’t tell who’s got it. Depending on the venue this is done so furtively and discreetly you never discover the identity of the smoker, yet you thank them silently for the mild contact high.

5. The Bored/Apathetic/Unimpressed Person Who Cannot Be Moved or Swayed By Anything So Pedestrian As MUSIC and So Stands Completely Still With His/Her Arms Crossed and Looks Down His/Her Nose At The Entire Affair.

Why are you even here?

*Note: In some cases the person in question — the person being described — may be you. Start, as they say, with the man in the mirror.

Image via KR MEDIA Productions/Shutterstock.

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