The Most Absurd Lie You've Ever Heard

By Erin Gloria Ryan | May 9, 2014 | 8:45pm

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Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we’ll ask a question, you’ll share stories, and we’ll pick a winner that’s featured in the next week’s post. It’s like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!

Drunk people are pretty dumb, but people afraid they’re going to get in trouble are even dumber. That’s probably why drunk people trying to get out of trouble are perhaps the dumbest of all.

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The stupidity of drunk people fabricating excuses on the fly was brought into sharp relief this morning, when I read this account of 19-year-old Jesse Tarnas, a “grossly intoxicated” Wesleyan undergraduate who told police that his name was Justin Timberlake.

Best worst fake drunk name ever.

And that got me thinking of other funny lies I’ve seen and heard. The guy who convinced me, for over a year, that he was colorblind. Why? No reason! Just wanted to see if I’d believe him. The “crackhead” uncle of a coworker’s boyfriend, who sold his sister’s car without permission while she was away and then lied and said the wind blew the money out of his pockets. Another coworker’s high school friend who got in a fender bender before she had her drivers license and told the driver of the other car that her name was “Amanda Vinje.” The girl in my elementary school class who told everyone that her father was 100 years old and 1000 feet tall. The time my little brother stole a whole sleeve of California Fruits flavor Starburst candies from my secret candy drawer in my jewelry box and told me, when confronted, that the candy was “In [his] throat.” And this, courtesy of my boyfriend, which I’m presenting without comment:

So, in honor of lying car stealing uncles, Amanda Vinje, fake color blindness, wasted fake Justin Timberlake, and not farting, today’s pissing contest is about absurd lies you’ve witnessed or told.

But first, let’s talk about who really out-pissed everyone during last week’s installment, on The Craziest Places you freak-a-leeks have had sex. The whole thread is worth popping popcorn for; Sooz‘s graveyard virginity story is actually kind of lovely. Appropriately named JohnNopants has a great cop car sex anecdote. And jenincognito is an overall fantastic freak with an impressive sexual resume. But the winner is brick frog, who dropped this gem:

My buddy had just come back from his second tour in Iraq. We were stuck in heavy traffic on a raised drawbridge, so to pass the time, I ate his asshole like a leap-year kid with a birthday cake BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING PATRIOT.

God Toss America.

Now, you know what to do, folks. Kookiest lie you’ve ever heard. I brought snacks.