This Week In Tabloids: Sandra's People Shoot Involved Jesse; Hollywood Housekeepers Spill Dirt

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Today in our weekly tabloid taste-test, we found gossip both delicious and vile: Sandra Bullock’s baby shoot for People involved Jesse James! Brad Pitt is a hoarder and a slob! Heidi Montag loves/hates her implants!

Ok!
“Sex Tape Scandal.”
Apparently Kendra’s lawyers sent a cease and desist letter to Vivid Entertainment, because Vivid is planning to release a video called Kendra Exposed. Details are vague, but it seems like the guy in the tape might be someone she dated before she was with Hugh Hefner… except wouldn’t that make her a minor? “As a new mom and wife this is the worst scenario she could ever imagine,” claims the story. There’s also stuff about it tarnishing her reputation and her husband Hank being “a pretty conservative guy.” A source says the video “is not glamorous like Playboy. Yawn. In other news, “curves” have made a “comeback,” and Jessica Simpson says: “There’s something empowering about curves. You can’t strut when you’re skinny.” But… but… runway models do it everyday! Next: Reese Witherspoon is “ready for ring.” Even though she’s been dating that dude for like 2 months. Lastly: Audrina Patridge is responding to the Us cover which claims the kids from The Hills were “destroyed by fame.” Audrina says, “I have not been destroyed by fame whatsoever.” Noted!
Grade: F (prune juice)

Us
“Eric & Rebecca: Meet Our Baby Girl.”
The two people you may remember from that lame sex tape now have a daughter and she is a “miracle.” Eric Dane is a “swaddling ninja” and says “it’s kind of like wrapping a burrito,” and he and Rebecca Gayheart feel “so blessed” and say little Billie is “so beautiful.” Next: In the Halle Berry/Gabriel Aubry breakup, there are two different sides to the story. Team Halle sources say it’s been four months since they called it quits, and “Halle 100% broke up with Gabriel because she decided it wasn’t forever.” Team Gabriel says: “Now she’s trying to spin it that she kicked him out. But he was finally like, ‘Screw you,’ and walked away from the whole thing.” Another source says: “[Halle] doesn’t really want to deal with relationship stuff. For her it’s like, I got my daughter and I want to focus on her.” An insider close to both says “She sabotages things. She couldn’t deal with someone who unconditionally loved her.” Moving on: Kate Hudson’s breasts are “out of hiding”! The copy here reads: “Clad in a slinky purple dress with no bra, she pushed her chest forward.” The “Look-Alike Of The Week” is Jon Gosselin, who is copying Maddox Jolie-Pitt (see image 7). In a spread titled “Star Safari,” we learn that Paris Hilton is like a flamingo and Justin Bieber is like a kitty cat (see image 8). Jessica Simpson and The Hurt Locker‘s Jeremy Renner were seen entering the St. Regis hotel in D.C. at 2:35 am, “30 seconds apart.” Jessica greeted and took pictures with fans while Jeremy waited just out of sight. Then they took an elevator upstairs. And you know what that means: They had rooms in the hotel! Matthew Morrison says of the reports that there might be a Britney Spears episode of Glee: “That’s a rumor her manager started. I hope our show doesn’t go along that route.” In Sandra Bullock news, we learned that while hiding her baby, she refused to hire child-care help, and used decoy cars for doctor visits. Also: Jenna Jameson explains what happened the night of her altercation with Tito Ortiz. He woke up and accused her of being on drugs again; she got up and was standing naked in the bathroom and said, “I’m not on drugs.” He said “Its over,” grabbed her arm, and pushed her aside. “he’s a 200 pound man so I flew and fell against the edge of the tub.” She also says: “Tito’s not a wife beater, but there might be an anger problem; He’s been through a lot.” Lastly: Roxy Olin of The City used to be hooked on crack and prescription pills. She says: “By 2007, I weighed just 98 lbs. and my hair was falling out.” She’s had three car crashes, a near-death experience and two stays in rehab, but now she is celebrating 3 years of sobriety.
Grade: D- (lemon juice)

Life & Style
“Forced Into More Surgery.”
The sources in this story are Spencer Pratt and Perez Hilton. So. Spencer and Heidi Montag were on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, and during a commercial break, Ryan told Heidi that her breasts didn’t look that big — and meant it as a compliment — but Heidi got upset. Spencer says that as soon as she woke up from the surgery, Heidi was upset that her implants weren’t bigger and said she wanted to “punch the doctor in the face.” Now she wants to get more surgery in the next two months, have it done in Europe, and have it filmed. An insider says: “She feels forced into it because she didn’t get what she wanted the last time.” Spencer says: “I try to stop her. She wants her doctor to come over once a week to plump up her lips. I keep telling her that they’re big enough and she doesn’t need it.” Perez Hilton says: “She and Spencer used to be out and about all the time. These days they stay isolated in their Pacific Palisades home. It’s not healthy.” Moving on: It’s Brad’s Beard’s Birthday!!! (see image 9) Margaret asks, “What do you get the beard that has everything?” Jon Gosselin is now allowed to sleep on the couch inside the house when he visits the kids, and his new apartment is less than 10 minutes away, so he’ll be around more. Hey look! It’s not just ladies whose bodies get criticized! Justin Bieber is called “scrawny” and gets the arrow treatment (see image 10). Jessica Simpson had a run-in with Tony Romo at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner; the mag says she bumped into Tony and his “younger, blonder, more athletic” girlfriend, Candice Crawford, and it was awkward. Joel Madden has “cold feet” because he partied at Coachella while Nicole Richie was home with the kids and acted like a “flirty single guy.” And a friend says: “Joel doesn’t want to get married right now.” Two interesting things in this story called “Will The Baby Bring Sandra & Jesse Back Together.” First: One source is William Shatner — who became friends with Sandy after Miss Congeniality — and who says: “To me, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that they’ll get back together. My heart goes out to Sandra, whom I know and love. My heart goes out to Jesse. I was at their wedding. I know he loved her. That marriage, that wedding — was beautiful.” In addition: Jesse’s ex, Janine Lindemulder, told the mag in December that she was on the phone with daughter Sunny, who was at Sandra’s house, and Sandra was listening to the conversation. Sunny started to tell Janine that she was really excited because someone was gonna have a baby… But then Sunny said she couldn’t talk about it because it was her secret with Sandra. In other words, Janine almost knew about the secret adoption. Prince William and Kate Middleton are renting a cottage in Wales, “which will be their first marital home.” Finally: Dina Manzo from Real Housewives of New jersey had a breast reduction. “I always looked like a stripper. Now everything I put on seems more tasteful,” she says.
Grade: D (prickly pear juice)

In Touch
“Betraying Her Sisters.”
The magazine talked to Damon Thomas, Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband, who seems delighted to spill all kinds of secrets. He says: “Kim is obsessed with fame. She’s jealous and competitive with her sisters.” He also claims he financed her “extravagant shopping sprees extensive plastic surgeries, including a boob job and liposuction.” “She wanted to be what she ultimately became,” he says. “She can’t write or sing or dance, so she does harmful things in order to validate herself in the media. That’s a famewhore to me. It’s just not cool at all.” In a sidebar for an Ali Lohan story, an insider says, “She looks twice her age now and is considering Botox.” Megan Fox is “hooked on plumping.” (see image 11) In Sandra Bullock news, we learned this: