This Week In Tabloids: Suri Cruise's Christmas List Includes Diamonds & A Show Pony
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sip from the gossip goblets of In Touch, Us, Life & Style, Ok! and Star. This week, Khloe Kardashian “will do anything” for a baby; Angelina Jolie is a “basket case,” and forget a Lexus with a bow on it: One-percenter Suri Cruise will be opening up a show pony on Christmas morning!
Ok!
“What I Didn’t Tell Kris About Our Marriage.”
OMFG WHAT A WASTE OF PAPER. The cover and the insides do not match up. There is no first-person “real story” from Kim here; just some random quotes and stuff like, “She truly was in love with him and wanted to live happily ever after” and “She’s really not a fake, she was just on this runaway train with no easy way off.” Kill me now, seriously. For the love of Christ. Also inside: A hard-hitting piece called “Why J.Lo Went Cougar.” An insider claims that the thing about 24-year-old Casper Smart is “how he makes her feel,” which is a really polite way of saying she’s getting banged like a gong. Week after week, Ok! is not okay.
Grade: F- (hemlock juice from an arsenic-laced lead goblet)
Life & Style
“Revenge Romance.”
Apparently Kim’s “mistake” was “ever thinking Kris could replace her former boyfriend and true love, NFL star Reggie Bush.” Because “theirs is a love that refuses to die,” like an adorable interracial cactus. In other KK news, she is “hiding” wedding money from Kris Humphries — he “only” got about $400,000 for the televised ceremony, but she earned way more from all sorts of sources. Sigh. Let’s move on. Fame is ruining Pippa Middleton’s love life! She’s not allowed to have fun anymore, fans are everywhere, dudes are afraid of the queen, and Pips is “scared of ending up alone.” Relatives of royals: Just like us? Jennifer Aniston is “obsessed with dieting.” Lady Gaga has gone “from raunchy to refined,” possibly because she is dating nice guy Taylor Kinney, aka the hot werewolf from The Vampire Diaries. Everybody knows that sluts just need a good man to turn them into ladies! Last, but not least, there are six recipes for holiday cocktails created by Countess LuAnn de Lesseps in the mag, and the Merry Mistletoe — celery juice, vodka, simple syrup, lime juice and mint leaves — is what I’d like to be drinking right now.
Grade: D- (snake blood and bile from a venom-rimmed glass)
In Touch
“Kourtney Pregnant & Alone.”
Is Kourtney Kardashian alone? Nope! Not even in the existential sense, and surely the mag is not talking about man’s search for meaning or the weighty consciousness that we are each just individual tiny specks of dust on a planet in a dying universe. Anyway. Scott is “distant” and she feels “sad and lost” and her sisters have “turned away from her out of jealousy.” Or so we’re supposed to believe! Meanwhile. Kim is “brainstorming for a way to get the attention back to her” and might even adopt a kid just to get back at Kourtney. This gossip is so uninteresting I just zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Moving on: We interrupt this Midweek Madness to bring you this ADORABLE picture of Louis Bullock giving puppy dog eyes (See Fig. 1). We’ve been getting emails from a weirdo who thinks Reese Witherspoon is hiding the fact that she’s in an abusive relationship, and pages like this (See Fig. 2) just add fuel to the crazyfire. In Demi/Ashton news, she signed a book deal while they were still together, and her work was supposed to be about her childhood and her complex relationship with her mom, her addition and recovery, but now it could be about her cheating lying sack of shit husband. Maybe! Angelina Jolie is “paranoid” and “losing her temper… and maybe even her mind!” All because she hires bodyguards and is nervous about the premiere of her directorial debut. But the sidebar headline here is “She’s turned into a basket case!” You stay classy, In Toca. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are living apart — he’s in Miami and she’s in L.A. — and a source calls it “sad.” The parents used to take their kids to school; now a bodyguard does it. The family is being “torn apart.” Pippa Middleton is friends with a guy named Ben Goldsmith, and since he is having marriage problems, she is “too close to a married man.” Jennifer “desperate for a baby” Aniston is on a sex schedule, which Justin Theroux finds tedious, so Jen dropped $22,000 on risqué lingerie to spice things up. It’s working. Headline of the issue: “Rihanna’s Addicted To Strippers.” Lastly! Poor little rich girl Suri Cruise asks for diamond earrings and a show pony in her letter to Santa (see Fig. 3) while Run DMC + Bill Cosby = Betty White. That’s just math. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D (shake made from blended grubs and egg whites)