Welcome to Cody Watch, Dancing With the Stars Edition

The Peloton empire planted its flag on the sands of ABC Monday night with star instructor Cody Rigsby’s appearance on the 30th season of Dancing With the Stars. For those who’ve spent hours pedaling on bikes to nowhere, Cody is a revered sage and top-notch motivator; to everyone else, he’s that guy from the viral “don’t invite your cheap friend” to brunch video. Regardless of how you had the pleasure of being introduced to Cody, he’s now making his mark on the grandest stage a C-list celebrity can fathom and we will be following him all the way to the end.

Before we get into the in-depth analysis of Cody’s dancing from someone who can’t dance to save her life, let’s discuss what kind of competition the cycling queen is up against. Some of the bigger names on DWTS this season include Melanie C (aka Sporty Spice), Olympic gold medalist Sunisa Lee, Martin Kove from Cobra Kai, Christine Chiu from Bling Empire, and JoJo Siwa. Former Bachelor Matt James was also there but I am doing my best to erase that man and his problematic girlfriend from my memory so we’re just going to gloss over his highlighter blue suit and clunky feet.

Sporty Spice, Lee, and Chiu all gave relatively strong performances. Kove, who is in his 70s, made a touching effort which didn’t exactly translate to a great performance. But he did bring giant shiny cobras onto the DWTS stage so we’ll let it slide. Surprisingly, Iman Shumpert was one of the standouts of the night, showing off some impressive footwork and establishing himself as the potential silent killer of the season.

Jojo Siwa, who is the natural favorite to win given her dance background, had a huge night, and she became the first woman to be paired with a pro dancer of the same sex. Jojo and her partner Jenna did incredibly well but lost a point or two because Jenna fell mid-routine—though I’m not sure how anyone could have seen that fall given the frankly blinding amount of rhinestones in Jojo’s hair and outfit.

But now the main event (for some): Cody’s performance. He was paired with two-time DWTS champion Cheryl Burke who is one of my favorite pros to ever appear on the show. This match felt like it was made specifically for me in a lab. The pair were tasked with performing tango, and the dance opened with Cody atop his Peloton throne, framed by two other pros who were also pedaling.

Their tango was nothing to write home about, but they made up for it with fashion, sporting matching fuchsia outfits. When all was said and done, Cody didn’t break a sweat because he is built to endure, but the routine only scored 24 points. In other words: sixes across the board for a man who’s been a 10 ever since he hit puberty. While I firmly stan Cody and Cheryl, I must admit that Cody was quite stiff and didn’t elongate his spine during his holds, which made it look like he wasn’t as confident as usual.

Cheryl will certainly have this fixed by next week.

Since Kove and his partner ended the night with a score of 13, it’s more than likely that Cody and Cheryl will be back next Monday. This watch will not end until they either get the blessed mirror ball trophy or someone plays the exit music for Cody, forcing him to pedal off into the sunset and back to the Peloton studios in New York.