Your Most Embarrassing Holiday Hookups

There is only one winner from last week’s Pissing Contest and it was submitted via email. Here she is, your queen of the weirdest ever sex dream(s), YASMINE:

I have 2 pretty f’ed up sex dreams that immediately come to mind. (I should probably stop falling asleep while eating donuts.)

The first involved Justin Bieber, which is enough to totally creep myself out, but I haven’t gotten to the worst of it…not by a long shot. The dream starts with Bieber pulling out his D. It’s huge. HUGE. He’s kind of waving it around, trying to prove something, I guess. When I look closer I notice it has a slit down the center running along the shaft vertically. The two halves of his penis begin to spread open like a split banana and inside were BLACK POMEGRANATE SEEDS. Plump, almost bursting with juice. It was fucked. Then somehow it gets much worse. There’s another woman there and I get the impression that he is going to assault one of us. I tell him that I’ll take it if it means she can get away.

The only thing I can do to bare what is about to happen to me is to go into a dissociative state and become a slice of cheese pizza. Bieber does his thing.

The second is less fucked up, I promise. But I should still probably see some sort of professional.

This dream stars 2 friends. We’ll call them Max and Kramer. Max and Kramer decided to have a jerk off competition. I’m there, I guess, as a ref or maybe just emotional support. Who knows. But here’s the rub (heheh): Max has to jerk off a live bear. A big, fluffy as fuck, 9 ft tall freaking bear. Kramer just has to jerk himself off. The first to ejaculate (or get the bear to ejaculate) wins.

As they’re about to begin Kramer leans in and looks me in straight in the eye and says, “If I win, you have to stick your tit in my ass.”

The bear won.

Sorry, Yasmine, but you are clearly writing under a nom de plume and your real name is Jonathan Franzen. Congrats to you anyway!

Image via NBC/The Office.