Adult Men Shouldn't Skateboard
Latest

Adult men shouldn’t skateboard. Let’s try that again with a caveat: adult men who are amateurs shouldn’t skateboard. It is an extreme sporting activity that should reserved for teenage stoners, Tony Hawk, women and girls who could easily kick my ass and appear regularly in coffee table photography books about major American cities, members of Blink-182, and Meat Cat (the fictional cartoon mascot for “cheesy blasters” from 30 Rock). No one else should skateboard. Those who do are likely adult man amateurs, who are also big dumb babies. Who wants to be a big dumb baby?
I’ve maintained this perfect opinion for years now, and I’d like to help the rest of the world see the light… especially for those who’ve fallen victim to a recent photo of scumbro Adam Brody rolling all over Los Angeles like the rest of the Jezebel staff did earlier this week. (Don’t worry, I’ve already called all of their mothers to complain.) In no particular order, here are a few reasons adult men should not skateboard:
1.) There is no greater injustice than being side-swiped by a skateboarder.
When a child does it, they may be forgiven for not knowing their own power. But an adult dude? I don’t need to be threatened by unwanted contact more so than I already am, and at a higher velocity—that shit is frightening. Plus, hitting someone while skating around makes you appear like a bully in an ‘80s teen dramedy and no one even remembers those guys. They’re one-hit wonders. Much like an amateur adult skateboarder will be, once they strike an unsuspecting pedestrian.
2.) Much like the first point, adult man skateboarders take up too much space.
Imagine manspreading, but tripled when arms are extended for balance. That’s just unnecessary.
3.) It’s unnatural.
Humans weren’t born with wheels for feet for a reason.
4.) Adult men skateboarders are often childish.