Animals, Now Doing Whatever the Fuck They Want (Pizza Groundhog Edition)

Animals, Now Doing Whatever the Fuck They Want (Pizza Groundhog Edition)
Image:Kristin Chalela Bagnell/ABC 6

In a recent example of an animal captured on film not giving a fuck and enjoying creature comforts typically associated with humans, a groundhog in Philadelphia has been filmed chomping on a slice of pizza.

As the dogs of Kristin Chalela Bagnell, who shot the video, looked on quizzically through a glass door, Pizza Groundhog chewed in a manner that reads both deliberate and blasé, like the ’hog was auditioning for some sassy waitress extra role in a ‘70s dramedy about a diner. “So what?” said the groundhog. “It’s pizza. Pizza’s good. You know that’s why I’m eating it.”

Bagnell told ABC 6, which posted the video, “the groundhog sat there for more than an hour, just casually munching away on that piece of pizza with no worries.” It’s nice how pizza can make all your worries go away. Quarantine comfort eating has confirmed as much during these dark times, and now this groundhog knows too.

Animals are wilding out there in the wild, right? Last week I saw two pigeons kissing. This is what they do when they think humans aren’t looking.

The bear population of Yosemite National Park has surged. Penguins roam an aquarium, apparently as enchanted by captive animals as humans, and with no apparent realization that they, too, are captive. “Rodents are becoming CANNIBALS as coronavirus restaurant closures leave a shortage of scraps, expert says,” reads a Daily Mail headline, which my love of selective capitalization inspired me to quote in full. These animals, they run free through our abandoned, organized world, organizing a world of their own. I envy them all.

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