Cats have finally taken the first real step in progressing from “cute but demanding house pet” to “harbinger of societal destruction.”
According to anti-cat overlord bloggers at The Consumerist, the local Walmart in Jasper, Indiana was overrun with more that 40 cat overlord operatives feral cats. The parking lot was inhabited by dozens of cats, either looking for scraps of food from the Big Box giant or trying to get an answer as to why the home theater system they ordered in December still hasn’t been delivered. #walmartcustomerproblems.
“I thought that they were helping WalMart with mice, maybe? I wasn’t sure,” says one customer. “I know that if you park back here, it gives them a cool place to sit. They will come out underneath your car, and when you come back out, there will be five or six of them under your vehicle.”
Earlier this summer, the store had banned a local woman from putting out the nightly feedings for the cats, saying the food was attracting critters that were even more unwanted, like skunks. The town was apparently divided in their support of the woman’s efforts and their hatred of feral cats, but in early July Walmart stopped preventing the woman from feeding the felines.
The local Humane Society has now gotten involved with the feeding process in the hope of eventually trapping the cats.
Rumors swirled about the cats and how Walmart has dealt with them, some saying the retailer has gone so far as to trap and kill the cats. Because it’s really a stretch to image the giant, soulless corporation who literally gives ZERO FUCKS about its tireless employees would resort to killing cats that made one of its stores look bad. [INSERT SARCASM GIF] But the community rallied around the cats, taken in by their hypnotic gazes and apathetic responses to shows of affection.
“What you do with feral cats is, you try to manage the colony,” says Mary Saalman of the Dubois County Humane Society. Saalman is reportedly working with the Jasper Wal-Mart to fix their wild Cat Overlord problem, via TriState:
“The plan is that we get controlled feedings here every week, so that we get the cats used to coming back. The plan is to trap them,” says Saalman.
Saalman says the cats show up around six every evening for feeding time, but she says they cannot trap them until they find a place to send the cats.
“We cant do anything until we have a place to take them,” says Saalman. Saalman says these are not your typical house cats. They cannot be adopted. They must be taken to a farm or large open space to live.
The plan to adopt or relocate the feral cats was not met with welcome arms by many pro-cat overlord familiars, despite the fact that the cats even cajoled Mark Zuckerberg into allowing them to have their own propaganda Facebook page. Shit got real:
I’ve been asked why I haven’t thanked Wal-Mart for stepping up to pay for the food the cats need to be caught and relocated.
Nope not going to happen.
I won’t thank a heartless corporation that is evicting cats from what’s been there home longer than the store was even there. For cats they claim could spread disease, harm customers and employees.
Really the same cats half the town didn’t even know where there?
The same cats that 17 have been fixed and given shots as to not transmit disease?
But I can tell you this, you think the cats where a problem, oh just wait until winter and the mice take over the store cause they haven’t been given shots and this is just a few things they carry that the people of this town will be exposed to from your products. That’s why I won’t thank Wal-Mart!
YEAH, FUCK YOU WALMART! Honestly, I have no idea why we’re even mad at Walmart right now but FUCK YOU WALMART is always an appropriate response.
This all seems like a lot of worry and bother which could have been solved with a simple solution in the beginning: Ban the humans from Walmart and hand the store over to our Cat Overlords. Easy. After all, perhaps they are just looking for impossibly low prices on high-end electronic equipment? And can’t we all relate?
Image via Shutterstock.