Cellulite-Spotting, Period Sex & "Sizeable Blammos"

By Dodai Stewart  |  February 1, 2008 | 10:00pm
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Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Not much is going on this week, besides the misadventures of the ailing Britney Spears. Still: Bad decisions were made. The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!

The Charge: Calling pregnant women nauseating. They may be nauseated, but that’s not the same thing!

The Accused: Michael K at DListed

The Evidence: Re: Christina Aguilera’s Marie Claire cover. “That didn’t sell, because people were too busy throwing up. It’s kind of difficult to throw up and pay for something at the same time.”

Points For Good Behavior: It’s possible that it’s merely Xtina’s blissful expression and generous makeup that are making Mike feel ill. Surely a woman with child in itself is not gross — some poor woman gave birth to him, after all.

The Sentence: 24 hours as a nurse’s assistant in a maternity ward, getting up close and personal with the miracle of life.

The Charge: Obsessively analyzing the skin texture of the backs of women’s thighs; writing the headline: “Guess The Celebrity Who Doesn’t Have Cellulite”

The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, of course!

The Evidence: Aforementioned headline, picture of Kristen Bell’s legs. Turning fat-spotting into a game.

Points For Good Behavior: None.

The Sentence: We just want Rian (who e-mailed us recently to ask us to stop writing about her, then turned around and apologized and said “never mind”) to learn to love healthy bodies of all shapes and sizes, including her own. There is nothing wrong with your legs if you can walk on them! Rian is hereby sentenced to 40 hours of volunteering with paraplegics, polio-sufferers and amputees.

The Charge: Making fun of mammary glands

The Accused: Someone at CelebNewsWire

The Evidence: Calling Avril Lavigne’s breasts T8r Tots and “surprisingly globular and impressively sizeable blammos.”

Points For Good Behavior: None. Even if this person were, as we suspect, six years old, this would be bad behavior.

The Sentence: A med-school-level course in human anatomy, including cadaver dissection: the “blammos” will lose their mystique, surely.

The Charge: Period jokes

The Accused: Repeat offender Drunken Stepfather, who actually acknowledges us in his post!

The Evidence: “I was going to go off about how period’s aren’t natural again, because it seemed to be a hit with the feminist lesibians [sic] … even though the average guy secretly fucking loves periods because it means we didn’t knock our bitch up this month and it’s a time for celebration, a celebration that only lasts about a minute until we realize that our bitches are going to be pains in the ass, not put out and expect us to be sensitive to their needs for the next 5 days.”

The Sentence: Hmm, maybe a sex therapist? Since, in his own words, he “only lasts about a minute.” Poor thing.

The Charge: General misogyny and mean-spiritedness; likening a woman to a piece of meat.

The Accused: Whomever is cobbling crap together at Yeeeah.

The Evidence: Re: Jane Krakowski at the SAG awards: Jane Krakowski “Ugly Cake Taker” for this year’s SAGs. “And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I’ve ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole.”

The Sentence: Trichinosis, the disease you get from eating uncooked pork. Roundworms living in your intestines and cause fever, diarrhea, abdominal pain and vomiting. “Me want food” indeed!

 
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