If you weren’t of iPhone age between 2013 and 2017, let me explain: Vine was a six-second video-sharing app that took the internet by storm. Basically, it walked so TikTok could run (unfortunately, it also gave us Jake Paul, but that’s a different story). Just as quickly as it arrived, it vanished, leaving behind a trail of compilations and quotes branded in our brains. It completely reframed the way our brains read “Road Work Ahead.” (I sure hope it does). Not to mention every time we see an avocado (It’s an avocado…thanks).
Since then, Vine has been resting peacefully, but because society is hell bent on ruining once-beautiful things, it’s coming back. Elon Musk announced Thursday that he plans to revive the app—but! with an artificial intelligence twist. Because that’s what we need more of on the internet….
According to Musk, 100% of the content on his new Vine will be AI-generated, and I, for one, hate living in the future.
Here’s what I expect to go down on Elon’s new AI Vine: Right off the bat, deep fakes of Obama and Hillary Clinton chilling in the Illuminati dungeons. That just seems like it would fit the clientele. Then, some videos that your weird uncle will send you at 3 a.m. featuring disturbingly high-quality Biden softcore. And that would just be the first three scrolls. I can’t even imagine the horror you’d see after doom-scrolling Musk’s for you page for an hour. But it would probably be AI-generated podcast clips explaining why Adele is a time-traveling psyop, sent from the near future to set fire to the rain.
Yes, Twitter is bad. But AI Vine will be worse. It will be an even bigger cesspool of Musk-fearing, conspiracy-loving, keyboard-banging incels who think AI is “sick, bro.” But hey, that’s just one girl’s prediction.
Vine was once a place for innocent chaos and internet weirdos to come together. It shaped the sense of humor of a generation. I would hate for Gen Alpha to be exposed, even for a second, to whatever the fuck this will be. As someone who grew up on Vine, I beg Musk: leave it alone.
Elon, we all do crazy things post-breakup, but if anything, we need less social media. We need less AI. Can we please bring back buying the local paper from the paperboy for a nickel and reading it under a gazebo in your town square????
I have to go. I need to shut my laptop. I can’t do this anymore. If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching Vine compilations on TikTok.
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