Glee: Everyone's Duetting It (Except Kurt)

By Margaret Hartmann | October 13, 2010 | 10:37pm

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This week on Glee, we learn more about Santana and Brittany’s lesbian relationship, Kurt’s homosexuality prevents him from singing with the new kid, and Rachel’s heart grows three sizes.

Puck is in juvie because he “drove his mom’s Volvo through the front of a convenience store and drove off with the ATM.” Mr. Schue doesn’t elaborate on how or why Puck stole an ATM, but he’s selected Sam Evans to replace him for the time being.

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This week the kids are singing duets, and Schue is giving the winners a gift certificate to Breadsticks. These breadsticks must be laced with coke, because the kids are FREAKING OUT. Kurt desperately wants to sing with Sam because he’s ben reading Glee spoilers and knows he’s the new gay kid in town (or maybe not).

Finn is against Kurt performing with Sam because he thinks the ensuing beatings will drive Sam from Glee Club. Kurt accuses Finn of having issues with his homosexuality, but Finn retorts, “No actually I don’t. I have issues with the fact that you don’t understand that no means no.” Was Kurt’s behavior toward Finn really that much worse than the straight kids’ plots to snare their crushes?

In other Hummel news, guess who’s out of the hospital:

Apparently that finger twitch last week led to a full recovery. Burt still has to take it easy, but he has enough strength to lecture Kurt about toning down his gayness to make his homophobic classmates more comfortable. Kurt asks, “So a gay guy can’t be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory… You’re saying I shouldn’t sing with this Sam guy becuase it might upset a couple homophobes?” Yes, Kurt, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Later, Sam and Finn have a shirtless chat in the locker room and Finn elaborates his thoughts on Kurt’s homosexuality saying, “Look I don’t have a problem with gay dudes, everyone else does. And in their world. You singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.” This doesn’t really make any sense; The entire school won’t hear the duet, and Sam’s already getting doused in Slushee just for being in New Directions. Quinn helps Sam clean up in the (apparently unisex) bathroom. They chat about Avatar and he weirds Quinn out by telling her she has pretty eyes in Na’vi.

Finn and Rachel are all for this heteronormative pairing. Earlier, Finn and Rachel rehearsed their insanely adorable “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” duet (I have a weakness for for cheesy ’70s music). They realize they’re definitely going to win the contest, but Rachel, who has been even more reprehensible than usual this season, suddenly has a change of heart. Finn has inspired her to be less selfish, and she wants to let Sam win so the rest of the group will accept him.

So Finn and Rachel trash their original number and perform “With You I’m Born Again” dressed as a nun and a priest, successfully offending the entire club.

Later, Sam tries to kiss Quinn while they’re rehearsing and she loses it because kissing leads to sex, which leads to more babies. They reconcile in time to sing “Lucky.” I’m with Santana, who rolls her eyes snarks that it’s “so freaking charming.”

Kurt is left to sing a duet by himself… with about a dozen dancers he’s enlisted from Cheerios and New Directions. Their performance of “Le Jazz Hot!” from Victor/Victoria is elaborately staged and the kids are all wearing the tuxedos, courtesy of McKinley High’s Room of Requirement.

Unbeknownst to Kurt, he isn’t actually the only gay in the village:

Brittany and Santana have intimated that they’re sleeping together before, but this is the first scene that focuses on their relationship. Surely the parents who had to explain the line, “It’s a nice break from all that scissoring,” enjoyed this scene as much as I did.

Santana asks Mercedes to sing with her because she’s desperate to go to Breadsticks (or just uncomfortable with doing “Come to My Window” with Brittany, and thus admitting she has feelings for her).

After Santana and Mercedes do a predictably awesome rendition of “River Deep — Mountain High,” Brittany asks Artie to be her boyfriend in an effort to make her lady love jealous.

During their short-lived relationship Brittany sits on Artie’s lap during class (Really, Mr. Schue?),

carries him to bed,

and deflowers him. Then Artie breaks up with her after Santana tells him she’s using him for his voice. Brittany says that she really did want to go to Breadsticks with him because, “I was going to order us one really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I’ve been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.”

Artie withdraws from the competition, so Tina and Mike perform the last duet, “Sing!” from A Chorus Line. It’s a cute number that makes reference to the fact that Mike has been on the show for a whole season and he’s never had a solo. Tina is hoping to win the contest so she and Mike can have a normal dinner, rather than going out for dim sum with his mom on every date. They fight in the library and Mike says they should go to “Asian couples therapy.” Tina wonders, “Why does the couples therapy have to be Asian?” Great question!

Quinn and Sam win the competition, but only because Rachel and Finn vote for them. It’s unclear how this promotes team unity, because Mercedes and Santana are (rightfully) mad enough to Slushee Quinn and Sam themselves.

At Breadsticks, Sam tells Quinn he doesn’t judge her for being a teen mom and reveals he has a secret of his own: He dyes his hair blond. Quinn tells him to put the gift certificate away, “because a gentleman always pays on the first date.”

Continuing her redemption campaign, Rachel asks Kurt to sing a mashup of “Get Happy” and “Happy Days Are Here Again” with her. However, there’s one Glee Clubber who doesn’t have anything to sing about: Brittany, who rolls one lonely meatball across her plate.

Two weeks from today: The Rocky Horror Picture Show episode!

Earlier: Why Glee‘s Brittany And Santana Are My Queer Icons