It’s December, which means it’s time for a flood of looks back at the year that was. Today’s edition: the most popular baby names of 2014. Among girls, Sophia takes the top spot; for boys, it’s Jackson. Let’s do a little scrying, shall we?
These names come from BabyCenter and their recent survey of 500,000 new parents, via U.S. News. Not exactly the Social Security Administration, but it’ll do in a pinch. But what does the future hold for these wee little ones? We decided to do some forecasting for the babies of 2014, by predicting what the best-known person with each of the top ten most popular names will be doing in 2044. Take my arm and let us stroll into the future:
Jackson: The bright, shining future of the Republican Party.
Aiden: Wunderkind novelist. His fellow writers breathe a giant sigh of relief that they don’t have to see his dumb face on 30 under 30 lists anymore.
Caden: Mission to Mars, baby.
Liam: Billionaire financier. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother’s naming him after a One Direction member.
Jacob: Olympic gold medalist many times over. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother’s naming him after a Twilight character.
Lucas, Mason, Ethan and Logan: Christian boy band.
Noah: Prepper/wild-eyed conspiracy theorist/borderline cult leader with a massive Internet following. Building an ark, because there’s a symmetry to fate and time is a flat circle and CAN’T YOU SEE THE FUCKING PATTERNS, MAN? His parents wish they’d named him Solomon, or maybe Elvis.