JOOP: Your Guide To Summer Fun

As the summer season kicks off this weekend, I thought it would be special to pass along some ideas to make, go, get, do, be and see. So let’s nourish our inner Jezebel, shall we?

Like my dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, I fancy myself a lifestyle expert, in that I have also done things and seen things and made things before. With such experience in my corner, I thought I’d attempt to make a basic guide to Summer Fun:

Make: Miracles Un-happen Many people in the world like to pray for miracles to happen. This is all well and good, but you can make your Summer extra special by ensuring that miracles do NOT happen. This is the season of cole slaw, pasta, and potato salads. Remember: the key for having a great cookout is to say to yourself: “Mayonnaise, not Miracles,” for Miracle Whip is very much NOT the same thing as mayonnaise, no matter what your cousin Jimmy says. Miracle Whip is the devil’s condiment, friends. Please do not be fooled by promises of extraordinary things. The real miracle would be if people would stop trying to act like these two spreads are the same thing. THEY ARE NOT. You can do your part by keeping your parties Miracle free. Sure, the blessings of the heavens may not shine upon your potato salad, but at least you can sleep at night.

Go: Kart A Go-Kart is society’s mode of allowing you to race younger people, and defeat them, in an acceptable manner that does not involve getting pulled over by the cops. Do not be intimidated by the middle schoolers who want to take you out on the track: you are the boss, 2Fast2Furious, and on the track, you don’t have to be nice to little Bobby or Sally. Burn rubber! And then reward yourself with an equally classy ride on the Bumper Boats. If anyone asks, tell them you spent the day “cruising and taking a sail.” Nobody has to know it was at Wild Bill’s Race-o-Rama.

Get: A Hose The economy is making it difficult for some of us to take those luxurious beach vacations we desire. However, there is a marvelous invention called the garden hose that will take you back to those glory days of childhood, when you also did not have a swimming pool, but you had a pretty spectacular sprinkler that was tons of fun until one of the neighborhood kids decided to sit on it mid-play and ruin the fun for everyone. A hose is also useful for watering plants, washing the dog, and spraying at the high school kids who, for some reason, think summertime is a good enough reason to make out on everyone’s lawn.

Do: Turn The Bad Into A Fad So you forgot to put sunscreen on the soles of your feet and now you have to walk on tiptoe. Whatevs, Trevs! Just tell your friends and family that “toe-walking” is very in, very Vogue and that they’re two steps behind, as always. Soon, everyone you know will be trying to burn their soles to keep up with your glamorous style. Be sure to throw in some cliches as well, to make it very convincing: “beauty is pain,” “glamour hurts” and “sunburned toes before hos” work just fine.

Be: Original In order to obtain true originality, please be sure to follow every direction I’ve given so far. You should have a hose, burned toes, real mayo, and a VIP pass to the hottest bumper boat station in the nation. If you can’t pull this together, perhaps you should reconsider the really important things in life and try to prioritize. Summer is a time to relax and have a good time. But one can only relax and have a great time if one is following very strict summer rules.

See: This And remember, one summer never ends, and one summer never began. I’m not sure what that means, either, but it sounds very deep and important, which is what all summer things should be:

Remember, summer is a time of fun in the sun. Always be on the lookout for false miracles, chances to race, uses for hoses, dreamy summer jams, and sunburned toe glamour. Without it, your season just may end up being a huge, steaming pile of GOOP.

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