Just in Time for Easter, Jelly Bean Milk is a Thing

In Depth

Apparently, the universe hates me more than I thought it did, because a company is now selling two products that look like something out of my personal House of Horrors.

Hiland Dairy Foods has decided that I personally have far too little nausea on a daily basis, because they’ve created both Jelly Bean Milk and Easter Eggnog. Apparently, Easter eggnog is surprisingly common (you’re fucking weird sometimes, Christians); Turkey Hill and Dean Foods have been doing it for years. That doesn’t make it any less creepy, but at least it has precedent on its side. But the Jelly Bean Milk is like something Guillermo del Toro would come up with to indicate the subtle and terrifying wrongness of a twisted film universe meant to mock the complacency of modern-day life. For the life of me, I can’t fathom the target market for that product. Not even kids are feckless enough to ingest that crap unless there’s a dare involved.

As a Jew who’s never really known anything about Easter foods/candies before very recently, the more I look into this, the more patently insane it seems. Once a year, companies try to one-up each other in creating culinary marvels of terror that look like a Circus threw up. Even given that, Jelly Bean Milk really feels like Christians’ Icarus moment, like you’ve delved too deep into Moria and are about to awaken the bright pink Balrog. You guys may win out with Christmas being inestimably superior to Hanukkah, but I’ll take our spring holiday (“eat a shitload of food, get unbelievably drunk, watch old people sing ridiculous songs and laugh at them”) over yours (“live in a pastel-shaded horror film about an anthropomorphic rabbit who makes you hunt for eggs”) any time.

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