Justin Bieber’s new album drops today. Well, great. Except that Justin Bieber is absolutely terrifying.
Granted, I fear that which I don’t understand, and I don’t know much about Mr. Bieber (I use “Mr.” in a pat-on-the-head sense). But here’s an example of why he makes me tremble:
The health care bill that passed through the U.S. House [Sunday] night dethroned Justin Bieber on Twitter’s trending topics…
That insight, however, is no longer valid; Bieber’s back in the top-trenders game! But take note: The one thing that (briefly) distracted the web’s collective consciousness from this kid’s grip was almost a century in the making.
The Bieber basics, as I (barely) understand them: The kid is everywhere. Friday’s Nightline interview or Katie Couric’s sit down with him or his appearance on the Today Show or his BBC1 interview — even the ladies of The View have tried to understand him. Bieber seems to be the perfectly engineered product of a youth-obsessed popular culture that can reason to itself that 17-year-old Miley Cyrus is “more adult.” At 16, Bieber is therefore on the cusp of pop-culture manhood — but he has the voice and face of a pre-pubescent angel (and sports an unnaturally side-swept mop of hair which, despite looking soft, never moves, and that makes my bangs jealous). That’s about it. But he’s frighteningly pervasive.
If I’m honest with myself, I can concede that couple of decades ago I would’ve been enthralled with Bieber. I would have stared at his dreamy Tiger Beat covers, concocting elaborate fantasies and incredibly realistic scenarios as to how he really could fall in love with a girl like me. He would’ve been my Joey McIntyre. And I would have Twittered endlessly about him.
And ultimately, it’s the Twitter thing that suggests Bieber is a source for concern. As tempting as it may be for me to actually dissect the Bieber phenomenon in a quest to define it (besides being fodder for punchlines), really I only need to go to Twitter to understand what this fetal celebrity is all about. With a glance at Bieber-related Twitter updates (and sometimes there are more than 20 new BieberTweets in under a minute), even the most isolated foreigner could understand everything one needs to know about Bieber, and the dangerous stranglehold he has over us. Herewith, the Bieber Talking Points: