L. Ron Hubbard Chic & Rihanna in Money Green at the iHeartRadio Awards

Cough… cough cough… akht…haacctthh…blugggg. THAT WAS ME DYING AT THESE LOOKS, THE LOT OF THEM. Madonna took a break from her friendly occult matador look to show off a dress that seems crafted of pure chainmaille, over a bodysuit and a throwback rosary thing (she just wears them, she doesn’t pray them, right? Ugh, my abuela turns over in her grave). DEAD PART TWO: Rihanna, again, in a Versace nameplate necklace, simple ’90s bodycon jam and ride-or-die boots in bright green patent leather, looking like she already done got her money, no monopoly. Thirdly, young beacon icon Zendaya in a watercolor neon contraption that conveys her status as a really cool 18-year-old Los Angeleno on the come up, and something we’ll no doubt look back on fondly in nine years when she is Rihanna’s age. Mark it on your calendar.

Some attendees went weekend casual, and who can blame them because it’s Sunday, you know? It’s nice to see Alanna Masterson (aka Tara from Walking Dead) on the red carpet, and doing so with such ease in a look you could wear for date night should you so desire. Gina Rodriguez has worn more flattering dresses in the past, but there’s nothing too objectionable about this sleeveless jacket-dress, which is a double-breasted tuxedo thing if you cannot tell. Hailee Steinfeld has her own fashion thing going on, and I enjoy both the dress and the black patent leather thigh high boots separately, but together they seem like leaving a long movie at intermission and when you come back they’re showing something else. Or, THE FRIEND WHO YOU WENT WITH WAS REPLACED BY AN AUTOMATON. Speaking of, Iggy Azalea is doing her best impression of middle management at a talent agency office separates here, and I actually like this look for her, because it feels true to her persona.

OMG there is SO MUCH HAPPENING. First of all: the punk jacket on the left belongs to 5 Seconds of Summer’s Luke Hemmings, and it’s all kinds of LOL: in that it looks like he customized a clean and no-doubt thousand-dollar leather last night with some white out, in that we are to believe 5SOS is deep into the concept of Anarchy (TM), in that Black Flag and Fear and Minor Threat are juxtaposed with NOFX which, haha oh boy. Not to be that punk purist dick but I can’t with this, it hurts me. Painful in a different way: Aubrey O’Day and Shannon Bex, who have used their post-Danity Kane time to form a duo named Dumb Blonde (UGHHHHH), have dyed their collective hairs grey, and are wearing matching suits. On the face of it the suits are fine but it’s all just too, too much. Also too much: Meghan Trainor performing in, basically, a Sea Org uniform. These aired around the same time as HBO’s Going Clear; coincidence? Is anything a coincidence when it comes to Scientology, though. (Note: Meghan Trainor is not a Scientologist, I’m just feeling PTSD from watching Going Clear. Meghan, save yourself!)

Look at these boys! If Madonna were, in fact, in matador mode, Charlie Wilson could be her counterpart; his embroidered leather jacket so deeply bossy and ready to wrangle with the big boys. He looks like he smells of really nice cologne. Hey, why didn’t I know British singer John Newman was my boo? He’s dropping Crybaby realness with a bit of young River Phoenix swagu and it’s breaking my heart, you think he’s got a switchblade in the back pocket just in case he runs into any fellow JDs? *Chills* Tom Ford and Justin Timberlake were there in impeccable suits but honestly is it even worth mentioning because when are they not? That electric blue is a good look, though, and a nice contrast to fly young Steven Yeun‘s more casual estilo. When he’s not fighting the zombie apocalypse, Glenn cleans up nice!

Slightly more outré: Boy George, who actually is wearing an ensemble he could have worn in 1986 and still looked in style (remember those graphic number t-shirts!); my new favorite human Lord Kraven, who dresses like Khal Drogo but sings adult contemporary emo and hey, that actually is chainmaille; and Nick Jonas, object of much lust and once and future ’70s game show host, and/or Christmas cheeryman. Not everyone can be Rihanna… but everybody tries. Toodleoo!

Images via Getty