March Madness Day 7: I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Bracket


So far, our 80s vs 90s March Madness has yielded some surprising results — not so much though yesterday when the Brat Pack easily beat out Brooke Shields for Calvin Klein (nothing comes between her and her Calvins, but the Brat Pack comes between her and a win) and Titanic smashed Crystal Pepsi much like the ice burg smashed Titanic. Anyway, no use dwelling in the past! (JK, this is a bracket based entirely in nostalgia — dwell away.) Let’s move forward!

Today in the 80s stadium, D.A.R.E, the (D)rug (A)buse (R)esistance (E)ducation program that sweeped both America’s schools and America’s hearts, goes head to head with Baby Jessica, a.k.a Jessica McClure, the one-year-old who captivated a nation after falling down and getting stuck in a well for 58 hours. For those of you too young to remember, she was like Balloon Boy only legit.

Facing off in the 90s conference, we’ve got the Monica Lewinsky — the sweet White House intern with an affinity for berets, telling secrets to the wrong people and not having her dry cleaning done properly — and Delia*s, the teen fashion merchant that launched the career of Cassie and provided the 90s girl masses with useful thing like hair mascara and platform flip-flops. What do you choose? The woman who made “presidential semen” a part of the average American’s lexicon or the retailer where you could buy this outfit?

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