Melania, I Don’t Really Care (About Your NFTs), Do U?

I would’ve loved more than anything to be a fly on the wall of Melania Trump’s powder room the day she decided that the Very Best Way she could support women on International Women’s Day was to sell NFTs of her own face.

Perhaps the former First Lady, winner of the worst ever final popularity rating for a first lady according to CNN, might’ve sat down to add a little contour to those hollowed cheeks of hers after a strategy meeting, discussing how to prolong her brand as disgraced bottom bitch of the nation. Upon looking in the mirror, maybe she thought: “Therein lies the inspiration.” She would be the face of International Women’s Day. Melania Trump: wife of a wannabe dictator and savior of women.

According to a press release, artist Marc-Antoine Coulon created three limited edition watercolor portraits of Melania to “honor women during Women’s History Month.” The collection is available exclusively on M*laniaTr*mp.com, which is conveniently powered by Parler—a hell app so atrocious it’s not even available on Google’s app store. The three pieces of art are titled STRONG, CONFIDENT, and INSPIRATIONAL—all of which Melania definitely is!!! In total, there are 3,000 NFTs up for grabs, though two of the three pieces appear to be sold out (I’m reporting “sold out” with some massive finger quotes because last time Melania released NFTs, Vice reported that she likely bought out the $170,000 collection herself).

While there are some who may want to display their nips in protest and/or publicly tweet their salary online as Melania Trump’s dead eyes stare into their soul, I say: no ❤️. We certainly do not need a rich woman who may or may not be empowered (considering the last five years, survey says, “90% chance not empowered”) to keep dropping NFTs of herself as the patron saint of feminism.

However, I will give said unremarkable woman this one win: I am forever impressed by Melania’s ability to sound like an incredibly vague and unedited Hallmark greeting card. Take, for example, the description of one of her NFT portraits: “The INSPIRATIONAL NFT is influenced by visiting children in schools and hospitals. Mrs. Trump is endlessly inspired by the children’s curiosity and resilience; and is encouraged by each child’s ability to be brave, and to have hope and courage.” Also, this tweet:

But for sure, let’s hype each other up by participating in the same system that keeps us down. That’s the spirit, bitch!