Ever read a Yelp review and say, “Jesus, that’s some asinine bullshit. I wish someone would make fun of that crap”? If the answer is yes, look no further, because Kitchenette is on the case.
I’ll be honest; just finding enough entries for last time was so difficult I didn’t think I’d be able to do a second one of these. I threw in the request for submissions just as a “what the hell, why not” sort of thing. Man, did you guys respond, though — my inbox was flooded with submissions, including every single one you’ll read below. Thanks for making this happen, readers — there’s no way this would’ve continued (or will continue) without your help.
Join me, now, as we journey into the darkest heart of Internet stupidity: the blasted, blackened realm known as Yelp.
William L., Greaseateria Standard-Bearer
We need to work on your hyperbole game, William L. You can’t just say the place is “a crime against humanity”; that won’t cut it. You have to say something like “going to this Wendy’s feels like Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day on the Hindenburg.” Come on, step it up, man.
Ultimately, I can’t hate on William L. too hard here — most of these are at least semi-valid complaints (with the exception of “they don’t find me interesting,” which I don’t even need to comment on other than with this gif). Having someone behind the counter argue with you after not giving you what you ordered is a dick move on their part, and you’re right to complain about it.
But really, William L., what did you expect? It’s a Wendy’s. Have you ever walked into a Wendy’s that had good customer service and food that didn’t taste like it’d been sitting under a heat lamp since people thought Pogs were cool? I’m sure they exist somewhere (something’s paying to keep that one actress’s hair traffic cone orange), but I’ve never seen one. That’s not surprising when you consider this is a chain that essentially dumped a bunch of soft-serve into a paper cup and went “IT’S A DESSERT MILKSHAKE, ASSHOLES.” If you’re looking for anything other than a bacon-induced stroke from Wendy’s, you really need to adjust your expectations.
Kathy M., Knight of the Round WAT
Kathy M. has a litany of head-scratching reviews, but these two are the cream of the crop. First, we have a prime example of the phenomenon known as VagueYelping, which I didn’t even know existed half an hour ago:
Uh…OK? Were you going to elaborate there, Kathy M.? No? OK, then. I mean, I’m on the record about cupcakes, which are basically the Katy Perry of dessert treats (colorful but ultimately bland, uninspiring, and nothing we haven’t seen a thousand times before), but you gotta give us something more to work with here.
This pales in comparison to the comedy factor of her second review, though. If there’s one thing this column is teaching me, it’s that people who review fast food places on Yelp are never NOT entitled snowflakes, and Kathy M.’s McDonald’s oatmeal review is no exception:
I, too, get upset when I open my McDonald’s bag to find it startlingly free of exquisite pan-seared duck breast and finest cave-aged Gouda, until I remind myself that I just paid $3 for a plastic cup filled with oatmeal and that I should stop being an idiot. If you couldn’t wake up ten minutes earlier to make yourself instant oatmeal, $3 seems like a pretty fair processing fee, honestly.
Kira I., Who Does Not Seem to Understand What Yelp is For
So…the service was good, the drink was good, but you gave it two stars because some lame dude hit on you? You realize you’re reviewing the bar, right? Not the dude who hit on you. I don’t think they even have an online service for reviewing sad pickup attempts, unless you’re counting the TerribleOKCupidMessages tumblr (and if that’s the case, let’s be fair and admit that nothing is ever going to top “do you like maccaronies”). Don’t get me wrong, I wish that service existed, but Yelp is definitely not it.
Here’s where I have a problem with the basic construction of Yelp: screwing with a place’s business despite the fact that they admittedly did a good job with everything under their control is some phenomenal douchery. The real kicker is that Kira I. realizes she went at a bad time for what she was after, and doesn’t even seem to blame the place — and yet she still gave it a 2-star review.
Really, Kira I., why even bother at that point? None of the annoying guys you didn’t like are hurt by your crappy review — all you’re doing is screwing with the place’s business. Come on, now. I feel like you’re better than this.
Elizabeth, Styrofoam Enthusiast
I know this one isn’t from Yelp, but when I saw it, it was just too good to pass up. You’ll understand why when you read it:
Gee, I wonder why he started to get pissed. Maybe because you were wasting his workers’ time and refusing to believe them when they (accurately) answered your questions? I realize you can read the manager’s actions here as unprofessional (at least in a culture where the gold standard of customer service is to kiss the customer’s ass no matter how obnoxious they are), but I can’t tell you the number of times I wished I had a manager who was willing to look at a customer like this and say, “No. You are wrong. Plz to stahp.”
On the one hand, I feel bad for Elizabeth, because change is difficult for a lot of old people. On the other hand, I can’t even imagine dealing with someone that committed to refusing to accept reality. It’s one thing to disbelieve something a customer service employee tells you because you have some evidence that they’re wrong, but it’s another thing entirely when you refuse to believe something as simple as “the packaging changed” and then try to complain to a place that has no say in the thing you’re complaining about. That’s like walking into a bar and asking to file a complaint because Sam Adams changed their seasonal offering. Elizabeth is the living quintessence of why customer service workers hate old people.
Trevor J., Oh My God, This Fucking Guy
Oh, boy. This guy. You know, it’s kind of sad when people use Yelp as their personal journal/therapy/standup comedy hour — or it would be, if those people weren’t invariably douchebags. In Trevor’s case, he reaches a level unique to him, Ted Cruz, and everyone employed by Fox News.
We need to talk, Trevor J. Next to you, Marina L. was a comic genius. I’m not even sure where to begin, so let’s just share your majesty* with the world. First, though, has everyone gone to the bathroom lately? Have something to drink? Do you have half an hour to spare on this entry alone? OK, here we go:
Do I even need to say anything here? Would it even matter, or is everyone now just staring in glass-eyed, brain-numbed stupor? Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to murder that many of my readerships’ brain cells, but it was for a good cause.**
Part of me thinks this has to be satire, because oh my God, look at it, but if that’s the case, it’s the most head-scratching satire I’ve ever seen. What is he satirizing? Why did he write it? Is it performance art? Is this some sort of code designed to circumvent the NSA’s surveillance software?
It goes without saying that if it’s not satire, it’s one of the most unhinged, desperate things I’ve ever read. Hell, MRA forums start to look less pathetic by comparison. Haha, just kidding, there’s absolutely nothing that could make MRA forums look less pathetic. This comes close, though. HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR FAT JOKES HAR HAR HAR! Trevor is so edgy and original! Hey, Trevor, you know what else would make for an awesome bit?! Hitting a watermelon with an enormous sledgehammer!
So, last time, both Robert S. and Marina L. showed up (Robert S. posted one of the more bizarre things I’ve read). Trevor J., if you somehow read this, please, please, please show up in the comments, because I want to know what the hell happened here. Were you trying for satire and just…missed, or are you the most un-self-aware human being living on a planet that also houses Donald Trump? I feel like my readers need to know these things.
Do you know of any dumb/insane Yelp reviews you’d like to see mocked? Feel free to email them to [email protected], or find me on Twitter @EyePatchGuy.
* NOPE.
** NOPE AGAIN.