Frankenstein-ing My Dream Shorts
'Tis the season to fantasize about shorts that don't ruin my life.
EntertainmentFashion
As the days get longer, the inseams on our pants get shorter, meaning we are knee-deep (and pants dry!) in shorts season. In the sanctity of my imagination, shorts season is unassailable, holy, and perfect. It’s a time when my legs are one with the elements; my worries lighter than linen. But in reality, I’ve never found shorts that live up to the zenith of my fantasy. With every pair of shorts I own, either my thighs chafe, my crotch is too encroached upon, or I look like a school administrator gave me something to change into after wearing too short a skirt to class.
Despite my lived experiences of these summertime bottoms (my college nickname) bringing me deep agony, I beat on, shorts against the current. There must be a perfect pair of shorts. Or at least, there must be a perfect pair of shorts for me. But since I’ve yet to find them, I will take the best aspects of different types of shorts and play God by combining them together like some sort of Frankenstein’s monster. But first, an assessment:
Denim shorts
Denim shorts exist in revered form within the American imagination: well-paying middle-class jobs, toned butts, and ample vacation time. But denim is not a forgiving material and the American dream is dead. They are simply not very comfortable and often form harsh ridges around the labia in ways that I am sure would worry my OBGYN. More critically, they either come in size Baby Slut or Recreational Urban Birdwatcher, and all I’m asking is that an in-between for Slutty Ornithologist is considered.
Soffe Shorts
I fear that slipping my ass into a pair of cotton Soffe shorts would cause me to slip into a time-travel-induced psychosis and start bullying girls who haven’t gotten their period yet. That being said, they are comfortable and you can customize what they say on the butt.