Of Course Florida is Teeming With Herpes-Infected Monkeys


Casey Anthony, Disney condos, CSI: Miami, and now this. The state of Florida is apparently under threat from a small army of adaptive, herpes-infected monkeys that wildlife officials are now classifying as a “public health hazard.”

More than 1,000 Rhesus monkeys currently herp around the Silver River in Florida where they eat dirt and spiders and swap primate venereal diseases with abandon. They’re not native to the state; a pair was first introduced in 1930, because some idiot thought they were cute. The monkeys escaped, bred, adapted, learned to swim, and now, 80-some odd years later, here we are. According to the New York Post, 700 of them have been captured in the past decade.

Because Florida is Florida, some residents object to the capturing of the monkeys because they’re cute and people like them. Yeah, keep the herpes-infected non-native primates with no natural predators around. Yet another fantastic idea from Florida, the state that brought you the 2000 Presidential election, Stand Your Ground, and Ryan Lochte.


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