RIP Straight People, It’s Been a Good Run

We've pre-written an obituary in anticipation of the extinction event.

RIP Straight People, It’s Been a Good Run
Image:Kady Ruth Ashcraft/Getty (Getty Images)

“Probably, in about four or five generations, no one will be straight anymore. Everyone will be either gay or trans or non-conforming.” –Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.)

It’s with the heaviest of hearts that we report the extinction of straight people.

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when straight people came to be, because there’s always the possibility that the person who birthed them was also straight. Suffice to say they’ve been around for a very, very long time. The first ape that evolved into a human may have been straight. So, it’s shocking for us all to learn that this long-accepted category of human sexuality has gone the way of the Dodo.

Straight people lived long, beautiful lives. From winning almost every Best Actress Academy Award doled out to inventing the lightbulb, straight people were given many opportunities over the course of their time on this planet and, on occasion, really took advantage of them. Beyoncé, a famous straight person, notably wrote the song Halo in 2008, which was one of the greatest accomplishments of straight people. With names like “Tom,” “Brianna,” and “Bucky,” straight people were as varied as any non-straight person. They enjoyed a range of hobbies from liking cars to going on double dates.

However, one passion united them: strictly wanting to engage in sexual activities with the opposite sex. Woo boy, did they love doing that. They loved it so much it is actually what came to define them.

Only one lone soothsayer, Georgia representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, predicted that an extinction event like this could ever happen. Greene sounded batshit at the time—this was the same congresswoman who once suggested the September 11th attacks were a hoax and that former president Barack Obama was a secret Muslim—but on this, in May of 2022, she was absolutely correct, and now straight people no longer exist. So who gets the last laugh? Certainly not her or any other straight people, unfortunately, because they’re all dead.

So without straight people on the planet, one might be wondering: How will humanity continue? Or even more crucially: Who will request Steely Dan songs at karaoke bars? Luckily, the year is now 2145, the year Greene predicted this would happen, and babies are now conceived through the blockchain.

In lieu of flowers, donations will be accepted to buy cargo shorts in straight people’s memory.

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