Ripped from the Headlines: Your Hardest News Roundup

This week in your newsiest roundup, North Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il signs on for a starring role alongside Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman, and the nation’s idiots obtain minor lacerations due to the latest SNOWLOCAUST!

• Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots
  If you know an idiot, please make sure they’re safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare.
• Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next ‘Batman’
  In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham’s Dark Knight Detective.

Read the full stories and view related videos here. The Onion News Network on IFC begins tomorrow, January 21 at 10/9 c, on which you can watch FactZone‘s Brook Alvarez (the peach in the peach below) deliver the hardest-hitting hard news hardscrabble headlines in the whole universe.