Tell Us About Your Best Birthday

By Maria Sherman | August 16, 2019 | 10:00pm

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Last week, I noticed Pissing Contest commenters were voluntarily describing past birthdays and asking others to share their own stories. It was a very sweet and pure interaction and it is one that I will now exploit for the blog. What happened on your best birthday? Who do you have to thank for it?

My worst birthday was my 18th, when my brother was deployed to Afghanistan for the first time. My best was a few years later, when he returned home for the second time relatively unscathed. It’s a boring story, but it does put into context one thing: sometimes our most selfish days, such as a birthday, is only wonderful if/because it relates to our loved ones. Or not! If someone bought me a car one year, I’d probably like that one best. Regardless, I want to hear all about your best birthday. Drop ‘em in the comments.

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And now, for last week’s Pissing Contest winners. Here are your most boring stories, and guess what? Y’all are super duper boring:

6thTimeAround, did you get him?:

I just swatted a fly by backhanding it with a rolled newspaper over my shoulder while reading this article. I didn’t even put down the tablet in my other hand. However, it was a slow fly so there’s nothing special about this.

6thTimeAround got him:

Update: I missed the fly. I missed it again twenty minutes later. Ten minutes after that I managed to kill it, but I had to use the swatter. I stepped on it to make sure it was dead, so I had to wipe it up with a paper towel.

Springboard, we are the same breed of boring:

I had a rather unfulfilling microwave meal before I left for work today.

FoolishChimera, what kind of tea?:

I was tempted to make myself a cup of tea just now but then I didn’t.

Chayote, you made the right choice:

About 20 years ago I thought seriously about moving from Seattle to Boston. But then I didn’t. Years later I wrote about it in a comment on the internet.

MsM, I hope no one steals your mat. Or your car?:

I’m not sure if I locked my car when I parked it at BART this morning. The only thing in it is a yoga mat, so it doesn’t really matter.

neac, this was indeed very boring. Bravo:

I went into work and was filling out the vehicle inspection thing we do every morning that shows we checked our truck. I noticed someone had used it the day before and I was really confused why someone would come in on Sunday. I thought on this for at least 10 minutes until I realized it was Tuesday, I had Monday off and someone else had used my truck then. Which is totally normal.

Squiggles, this is both beautiful and sad. I love bug stories.:

I took my dog on a walk today. Saw what I thought was a pretty big, fuzzy moth nestled into some tree bark. Took my husband and our friend over to see it. They did not think it was very big.

TheAndrea, were you late?:

As I was getting into my car this morning to drive to work, I realized I’d left my purse inside. So, I had to go back in the house to get it.

BusPassTrollop, this was a good way of taking my dumb prompt and making it your own. I applaud you and your morals:

On my weekly grocery trip a few weeks ago, I unwittingly got into the line where their slowest bagger was working. Nothing happened, and I stewed in silence. And I still think she deserves at least $15/hr.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, you make sitting around and being bored sound very exciting, just so you know!:

I was a Marine on 9/11. We all knew shit was going to go down, and we trained like crazy with the certain knowledge that combat was imminent. January of 2002 rolled around and I deployed with the 22nd MEU. We made max speed toward the Persian gulf and the Arabian Sea. Then I spent the next 6 months in a 150 square foot berthing space with 9 other NCOs, doing absolutely jack shit. I watched Crossroads on AFN at least a dozen times. We deployed to Djibouti for a month and sat around being hot. Got home in August, got out in November, went to college.

Burninator, you’re a Virgo, right?:

I have a bedspread I really like, so I bought the exact same bedspread in a different color on sale a few weeks ago. It arrived last night. It’s not the same. It’s different. In small but very noticeable ways, so I’ve spent about two hours analyzing the differences.

The weave is slightly denser. The thread is slightly coarser. It doesn’t have the same drape to it, it’s stiff. The sewing on the hem is the same, but the bulk of the cloth means that it doesn’t crimp as well and I think the hemming was done lazily, but I’d have to iron the entire hem to figure out if it really is misaligned or if it’s just the different fabric warping more easily. I held the bedcovers to my chest one at a time and stepped on my scale; they’re 2.3 lbs different in weight. I washed them both to see if the fabric really is different; the new one is much closer to canvas in feel. I held them both up to the light and the new one’s fully opaque. It still doesn’t drape. Most notably, the original is a single piece of fabric while the new one has a huge seam down the middle, stitching two panels together. The fabric is stiff, so it’s a big ugly ridge.

I took photos, wrote up the exhaustive comparison, and sent the whole account to Customer Service. Do I lose the competition by ending this story on a cliffhanger? Because it’s out of my hands. Anything could happen now.

goingawaytospain, this isn’t a boring story, I just wanted to make your week again. Here you go:

My boring story? Being mentioned in pissing contest basically made my week. I finally made good use of one of my weird-ass stories.

Let’s go.