In my ideal world, this NFL season would have concluded with a Jets/Bears showdown in Dallas. Mark Sanchez, Chicago going nuts. It would have been perfect. Of course, it didn’t happen.
Not only did my ideal fantasy Super Bowl not happen, my dystopian 1984 style worst case scenario anti-fantasy happened: Ben Roethlisberger and his wayward genitals are now set to face off with the Green Bay Packers, a team my raised-a-Minnesota Vikings fan soul was groomed from childhood to despise. Faced with the dismaying prospect of having to cheer for the same team as the people who would attend Sunday mass at St. Dominic’s Catholic Church wearing green and gold Favre jerseys or for the team quarterbacked by a hulking, nationally known creep, I’ve made the painful decision to forgo watching the big game. Yes, I’m missing out on a cultural event, and yes, I’m sure some Crazy Shit is going to happen that I won’t be able to talk about at work tomorrow, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
It’s not all bad, though, even for someone who enjoys the on-field action of football and who more than once elicited a hearty groan from a non-sports fan friend by referring to a block as “pretty” and a well-executed route as “fucking symphonic.” My choice to not watch the Super Bowl is freeing up time that, for most Americans, is blocked off. The streets will be empty. I’ll get so much done, and you can, too.
1. Go to the gym and fiddle around with the weight machines.
All of the really beefy brodudes who usually grunt and groan all over the side of the gym not dotted with ellipticals are watching the game tonight. If you’re intimidated by the typical sexual divide and don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of the testosterone-engorged triceps that normally camp by the free weights, head to the gym and lord over the weight room. Familiarize yourself with what machines you like, which weight levels are comfortable, and so next time, you can strut around like you own the place. Judgey looks be damned!