Uuuuuuugh, apps. Remember when the iPhone first came out and everyone was all peeing their jeans over pointless novelty apps? “Look! My phone looks like a glass of beer and then when I tilt it it looks like I’m drinking my phone!” “See, it’s like my regular face, only now I have a craaaaaaaazy mouth!” “So, it’s a picture of a zipper…and you can unzip it. Can’t do that with a regular picture of a zipper, can you!?” Okay. So you’re saying you spent $400 on a fake mustache and some got-your-nose uncle tricks. COOL STORY, CRISS ANGEL. You have truly redefined entertainment.
Like, I don’t even have time to do the stuff I actually want to do—and you want me to sit around clicking a pretend-stapler or doing recreational data entry? DUDE, I’M BUSY. But that doesn’t stop them. They just keep coming, nagging, begging for your $.99 in a gigantic virtual garbage bazaar. Ugh.
Lately when I hear folks talking about buzzy new apps—like Lulu, which allows women to post online reviews of dudes’ penises—it seems like tons of them are for your genitals. Tons. (Because, I guess, your genitals weren’t entertaining enough for you on their own?) So if this is a thing now—if we’re all going to grow fleshy Videodrome smartphones where our gennies used to be—I figured I’d do a little market research. Here’s a complete arsenal of smartphone apps to handle all your genital needs, from balls to butts. Enjoy.
I admit I get a small sliver of satisfaction out of the current hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing jamboree going on over at Reddit, now that the dudes have caught wind of Lulu (a.k.a. “Yelp for boys”). Oh, you guys are against public discussion and shaming of people’s body parts now? How noble. Doesn’t feel so good to be non-consensually objectified and exposed on the internet, does it?
But, of course, as a person who is opposed to non-consensual objectification on principle—not just when it applies to women—I think Lulu is pretty goddamn creepy. So does Slate:
You sign into Lulu via Facebook to prove you’re a woman (or rather, that you’ve indicated your Facebook gender as “female”). You page through a list of all your male Facebook friends, award them points based on their looks, manners, spending habits, and ambition, then assign them hashtags for their strengths (#SexualPanther, #NotADick) and weaknesses (#NapoleonComplex, #WearsEdHardy). Then, the next time you’re circling a romantic or sexual prospect in real life, just plug his name into Lulu to see what your (totally anonymous) virtual girlfriends have to say about him.
…It’s the textual equivalent of leaking your ex’s naked pics to the Internet-it’s not wrong because it’s sexual, it’s wrong because it’s nonconsensual.
Seriously seriously seriously. If there were a reliable, vettable, responsible way for women to warn other women about date rapists, for instance, that could have some genuine merit. But any system like this is vulnerable to massive abuse. Like, you know, publicly and vindictively ridiculing dudes’ dick size and income. Gals, we’re never going to win if we keep stooping to the same nasty, petty shit we’re fighting against. You’re just giving the MRAs more tantrum fodder. Cut it OUT.
Oh, cool—it’s like Lulu, but for dudes to rate ladies, which means it’s way way way worse! Instead of at least pretending to have some constructive social value (Lulu’s founder genuinely thinks it’ll help improve people’s dating lives), Playbook’s purpose is to “let you brag to your bros about your hookups, inserting ratings and degrading commentary along the way.” Great job as usual, bros!
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