The Kardashian Kristmas Kard Is a Grotesque Illuminati Circus

CelebritiesDirt Bag

It’s almost time for the annual winter holiday of Kardashianmas, in which we decorate our homes with crumbling photographs of Kim Kardashian and pray to the capricious god that inhabits that animate Ryan Seacrest mask for more attention in the coming calendar year.

Accordingly, the Kardashian family has released their holiday card. It was shot by David LaChapelle, and you can play it like a terrifying circus-themed Where’s Waldo. (The elusive “Waldo,” in this case, is anything that does not relate to a Kardashian family member, money, the Illuminati, and/or naked women cradling babies). I don’t know why Bruce Jenner is stuck in a tube.

Not pictured: Scott Disick, Rob Kardashian, Kanye West, Baby North and Lamar Odom. [E!, photo by David LaChapelle]

Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellan celebrated Thanksgiving together in (of course) matching bowler hats and also very big happy grins. Is it weird that I start to cry a little bit every time I think about their friendship? [Page Six]

In a recent THR roundtable, Octavia Spencer said that she’s fine with not having children. When asked what sacrifices she’s made for her career, she responded, “I should be married and have, you know, 19 kids. And now I’m thinking,
‘Oh my God, my eggs are dying on the shelf! They’re going to go past
their expiration date!’ But it’s what I chose. I’m fine with that decision.” [Gossip Cop]

  • The slow, catastrophic progression of Fifty Shades of Grey cannot by stopped by man or beast. Filming commenced yesterday. Here is the first picture of Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey. Where is his signature tie?? Has it already been used to restrain someone? [E!]
  • Oooh, and here is Dakota Johnson as Sex Victim 1 (I forget her character’s name, sorry). [Just Jared]
  • This is devastating: Paul Walker‘s Fast and the Furious costar Tyrese Gibson visited the site of his car crash and broke down in tears. He then took a piece of the wreckage home in memory of his friend. [X17]
  • Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles, guys. She just didn’t. [NY Daily News]
  • Zac Efron‘s recently-broken jaw is doing okay now and all is right in this world. [HuffPo]
  • The Girls season 3 poster is out, and it chronicles every self-obsessed millennial’s fairy tale ending (???): laughing in a ballgown while your other friends look disappointed in themselves. [HuffPo]
  • In an interview with Mr. Porter’s, Ethan Hawke said that “sexual fidelity can’t be the whole thing that you hang your relationship on” because “our species is not monogamous.” [Gossip Cop]
  • Kate Middleton’s hair, the most important celebrity in the world, is now darker (and shiner than ever, likely through some sort of unspeakable magick). [Hello]
  • Harry Styles adopted two (2) very clever disguises whilst going to and from da club: a blond wig and an elephant head. The paparazzi STILL knew it was him, likely because it was Harry Styles in a giant stuffed elephant head. [Just Jared]
  • I am including this story because it’s sweet: Selena Gomez inspired Vanessa Hudgens to work with UNICEF and then Vanessa Hudgens gushed about how she is a “beautiful, stunning person on the inside.” Female friendship! Charity! [Just Jared]
  • Someone very cleverly thought to ask Jena Malone about her naked scene in The Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire. FINALLY, someone thinks ask one of the most compelling actors in a wildly successful movie about the cool and not-obvious stuff. [ONTD]
  • “Merry Christmas,” intones Miley Cyrus through that fun gesture for cunnilingus, before flouncing around in underwear with a penis drawn on it. Christmas spirit is in the air, people! [Pop Sugar]
  • Kris Jenner responds to rumors that she is “ashamed of” Kim Kardashian‘s toplessness in “Bound 2,” which is literally the most ridiculous rumor of all time. Kris — who, if you will recall, segued her daughter’s sex tape into a multimillion dollar entertainment empire — is obviously not ashamed. Thank you and goodnight. [Radar]
  • Victoria Beckham has no time for a Spice Girls reunion tour, sorry. [NY Daily News]
  • Ok, honestly, people need to stop talking about Jennifer Aniston‘s recently-new bob haircut and pierced ear as anything other than a bob haircut and pierced ear. It is not an “edgy makeover.” She did not get a Skrillex haircut and a sleeve tattoo of the Grim Reaper on a surfboard. [Radar]
  • My favorite thing about social media is that it allows us to witness passive aggressive celebrity breakup battles! It’s what Al Gore intended to happen when he invented the Internet. Here we have Selena Gomez vs. Justin Bieber, via Instagram. [ONTD]
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