Normal People often bristle at the notion that celebrities, whose job requires them to have zero life skills, have suddenly discovered basic life skills, adopted them as hobbies, and feel qualified to teach the masses how to be better at doing the stuff they were already doing via a lifestyle blog.
But behind the relentless veneer of perfection and overwriting and artisanal curating lingers a kind of sweet sadness. Don’t believe me? Maybe you haven’t been paying attention.
We’ve rounded up the real, saddest-sounding sentences from this week in celebrity lifestyle blogging, taken them out of context, and present them here for you in what we can only hope will become a more regular feature.
Goop:
Most people don’t know this, but on the island of Guam, there are no birds. Imagine that. Imagine never seeing or hearing another bird ever again.
Amber Tamblyn, writing for Blake Lively’s Preserve:
He stepped out into the wildness of his life as the trees whispered in each other’s ears when they saw him. Even the deer came closer. He still wore the gold chain she won him at the state fair, a sparkling scar. That woman had a way with targets. He, a bullseye. What a bullseye you’ve been, Marcus He said to himself as he strapped the helmet on, his motorcycle humming beside him.
Alicia Silverstone’s The Kind Life:
I love eating nuts—seriously, once they’re out, it’s hard to stop eating them. I’m just like my mom in that department!
Blake Lively’s Preserve, again,
You see, tying a bow tie is actually a metaphor and indicator for survival of the species.
More from the same piece:
There was an unspoken understanding that this skill should be something each of them had mastered at some point in their lives. It wasn’t. They’d mastered things like making beer vanish, high-fiving, and eating entire pizzas without actually chewing. But the bow tie… It would need to be tamed. Immediately.
(Humanity: basically doomed!)
Silverstone again:
Throughout this tiresome research to seek a pure and wholesome vitamin, my brain really started to hurt! How was it that products meant to be the very essence of plants and their nutrients continually stray so far from that? I realized that if I wanted a truly great vitamin option, I was going to have to make it myself!
Clearly, it’s lonely at the top.
Lonely, and birdless. Can you even imagine?
Images via Getty
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