This Week In Tabloids: 2013 Brings Stars Without Makeup and Bikini Bodies


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we prove how much we love you and hate ourselves by heading to the newsstand and buying the most recent celebrity tabloids. We “read” them so you don’t “have” to. This week, Kourtney Kardashian gets back in the bikini she never got out of; Bethenny Frankel pretends to get divorced; and Jennifer Aniston elopes, if you use the word elope to mean “fly to a foreign country.” Due to holiday deadline weirdness, not one magazine has Kim/Kanye/Kimye spawn gossip on the cover. Still, vacation is over and we have “news” to deconstruct. Let’s go!

“Elope To Mexico!”
See, in this magazine, “elope to” means “go on vacation in.” The copy claims that Jennifer Aniston’s annual trip to Cabo with Justin Theroux was “a trial run for their elopement.” She wanted to see if it was possible to have a “fairly easy and private occasion.” Yawn. All you need to know is this: They ain’t married, she ain’t pregnant. They are both, however, very tan and fit. (Fig. 1) The only other story of note in this issue is one about how a restaurant manager named Cynthia Jorge slipped Tom Cruise her business card one night and he ended up calling her and taking her out salsa dancing. At the end of the date, he arranged for a private car to take her home to Queens. Yes, the words Tom Cruise, dancing and queens were in the same story. Happy new year.
Grade: F (fireworks accident)

Life & Style
“A Baby For the New Year!”
This is not news, but here it is anyway: Khloe Kardashian wants to have a baby. She hopes a child will “save” her marriage, just like a life preserver saves people from drowning, except in this case you have to change the life preserver’s diapers and send it to college. Also inside: Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis might be getting married. Kelso, who met Jackie on the set of That ’70s Show in 1998, wants to propose, but he has to finish getting divorced first, so we just have to wait. In Chris Brown news, he slept with a blonde 24-year-old executive assistant named Sommer in November, he’s still seeing model Karruche Tran, and he’s back with Rihanna. Charming! Prince William spent Christmas with the Middletons, breaking CENTURIES of tradition, since royals have gathered at Sandringham for the holidays since the time of Queen Victoria. The Queen was not happy, but since the Duchess is knocked up and Will wanted her to be comfortable, Liz allowed it. Last, but by no means least: Harry Styles,Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber went on a double date ski trip to Park City, Utah. It’s kinda cute how TSwizzle, at 23, was the oldest one in the group and the only one old enough to drink. Good times.
Grade: D- (jetski accident)

In Touch
“65 Stars Without Makeup!”
In this weirdly intriguing seven-page photo-driven feature, the commentary is alternately warm and encouraging and tauntingly cruel. Miley Cyrus is called a “cute pie”; Beyoncé is “gorgeous” and “a stunner.” Kristen Stewart looks “worn out”; Kourtney Kardashian is a “tired mama”; Kristen Wiig’s caption merely states: “FROWN LINES.” Also inside: Bethenny Frankel is having a “weight crisis” because she’s stressed about her divorce. Chris Brown cheated on Rihanna with a blonde named Sommer. And Kim is jealous of Kourtney because Kourtney slimmed down while Kim is struggling with her body. (Obvs the editors did not know Kim is not “struggling” but “pregnant.”)
Grade: C (bodysurfing accident)

“How I Got Thin Fast”
Inside, this story is called “From Baby to Bikini in 6 Months.” Yet on the cover — and on the inside — Kourtney is wearing a bikini while pregnant and after being pregnant. (Fig. 2) SHE WAS NEVER OUT OF A BIKINI. In any case, Kourt talks about how, in 2009, she did some kind of hard-core exercise plan where she went on a deprivation diet and worked out a lot, and while jogging on the beach in Miami she passed out. This time around she decided to ease into things by doing yoga before committing to Tracy Anderson’s 90-minute workouts. She does tons of walking with her massive stroller, she sips hot water with lemon while working so she doesn’t snack on cookies, and for lunch she has a piece of fish or a salad with avocado. Following this story are pages and pages of “diet secrets of the stars,” so if you want to read words like “broccoli, lentils and quinoa” or “10,000 steps a day,” or “kale and kohlrabi,” or “Pilates, jogging, yoga and basketball,” by all means, knock yourself out. As a special bonus for participating, you’ll get “What’s In My Fridge” by Jennie Garth, which has an alarming lack of champagne and leftover lo mein. (Fig. 3)
Grade: B- (spilled juice from the juicer accident)

“Divorce Gets Nasty!”
Kudos to the photographer who caught Kris and Bruce looking like extras from a road show of Lay Miz — other shots from the same basketball game show Kris smiling. You may think that alliteration is all Bruce and Kris have in common — since his kids are Brody and Brandon and hers are Kim Kendall Kylie Khloe and Kourtney. But! They both love fame and money, and maybe even ladies clothing? Apparently Bruce has a “secret closet” full of ladies’ underwear and size 13 heels. Anyway, Bruce and Kris have been fighting, Bruce feels like a prisoner in his own home, and he’s afraid Kris will encourage Kendall to make a sex tape. Sigh. At stake: $175 million and the sanity of two teenage girls. Moving on! Jef Holm of The Bachelorette is now pursuing Ashley Tisdale. Jessica Simpson went on vacation in Hawaii with her fiancé Eric Johnson and her sister Ashlee, and apparently Eric couldn’t keep his eyes off off skinny-and-not-pregnant Ashlee, which made not-skinny-and-pregnant Jessica real mad. Janet Jackson’s wedding in Qatar this spring with be lavish — Alexander McQueen’s design house is working on he gown — but Paris Jackson plans to boycott the nuptials because of that time Janet slapped Paris and called her a spoiled little bitch. Jennifer Aniston’s trip to Cabo with Justin Theroux was super special, but then again, that’s where she takes all her dudes — she went there with Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Gerard Butler, John Mayer and Vince Vaughn. LeAnn Rimes is letting Eddie Cibrian spend all of her money — he buys her expensive gifts but she pays the bills — and she had to sell her house in Nashville to keep the money flowing. In the Chris Brown/Rihanna story, an “expert” says: “Rihanna could end up in the hospital — or, even worse, dead.” Finally, Bethenny Frankel’s “divorce” is just a ploy for publicity, says an insider. “It’s all for ratings!” The tipster adds: “She used her marriage as a long-running story line… She’s a media strategist by nature.” Accompanying this news is a picture of Bethenny’s husband Jason Hoppy wearing his wedding ring on December 27. Reality TV stars lying? Next you’ll tell me water is wet.
Grade: C (high heel accident)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Us

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