Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get a job taking care of an A-list couple’s kids, fall in love with one of the parents, get fired, buy a new wardrobe, spend one to two months calling the paparazzi and informing them of our every move until the public suddenly decides we’re no longer interesting, and then accept a job taking housesitting a C-list couple’s dogs. This week: J. Lo and Casper Smart are boring and engaged, Tom hasn’t seen Suri in two years, Jen adopted a baby girl, and Christine might be pregnant with Ben’s baby…but probably isn’t.
Call the paparazzi in 3…2…1.
OK!
J.LO & CASPER: SECRET WEDDING
Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart are getting married! Hey, wake up! I said Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart are getting married! Quit falling asleep! Doesn’t this story excite you? It doesn’t? Well let me give you the details anyway. This will be J. Lo’s fourth wedding (after Ojani Noa, Cris Judd, and Marc Anthony), it will be in October at her house in the Hamptons, Benny Medina will be the minister, her children will be the ring bearer and flower girl, and—most importantly—Leah Remini will be the “official witness,” which is something I would love to witness.
Amal wants George to sell his bachelor pads. An insider says Mrs. Clooney “wants to make a fresh start…and that means George must get rid of the homes where he entertained a string of women during his extended bachelor-playboy days.” Among the properties Amal wants George to unload are a “retreat in Cabo San Lucas” worth $50 million, and his “beloved 18th century estate on Lake Como,” also worth $50 million. The source claims she “already made her husband throw out the mattresses, and even the beds, in the master suites” and—actually wait. Let’s hold on a second. How do Amal and George get 2-4 page spreads in tabloids with gossip this boring? Like, it started with her being “too skinny” and now it’s about how she wants him to sell super expensive property? Give me something I can use, OK!, and use this space for more exciting fake news like, I don’t know, “Matt Damon in secret talks with NASA to be part of their Mars mission!”
Speaking of boring, there’s some gossip about Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth. No thanks.
And Also:
- Selena Gomez wants to be in a Broadway musical because Vanessa Hudgens is in a Broadway musical.
- Justin Bieber is “the neighbor from hell.”
- Kesha may or may not be in rehab right now.
- Blake Lively’s lifestyle site is a bust, and she “thinks it’s time to regroup with her team and devise a new plan.”
- Caitlyn and Candis are “falling in love.”
- It kinda seems like Shia LaBeouf and his girlfriend, Mia Goth, hate each other.
- Jon Hamm wants to ham it up with Rosamund Pike.
- Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones are going to renew their vows on their 15th wedding anniversary.
Grade: F (You go to dinner with Amal and George and all they talk about is True Detective.)
In Touch
TOM & SURI: THE REAL STORY
2 YEARS WITHOUT SEEING DADDY
Tom and Suri Cruise were both in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of last week, but guess what: his people and her people never got together and planned a meeting. He did all kinds of promo for Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, but none for an ongoing reality show called Fatherhood. A source says “Tom won’t see Suri because he thinks Katie and her family are speaking negatively about him and Scientology” and that “it’s better to disconnect.” Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is “furious” over his lack of visits, Suri has likely forgotten who he is, and Chris Klein has probably been hanging around a lot.
Christine Ouzounian, Bennifer 2.0’s ex-nanny, has been “in constant contact” with Ben Affleck, and has been allowing him to pay her bills. He allegedly put her up in his “favorite luxury hotel after news of their scandalous romance broke.” Though her friend “admits [Affleck] may simply be placating Christine to avoid further scandal,” Christine is in love as hell. “She fantasizes about being Mrs. Christine Affleck and she doesn’t even think it’s weird at all….It’s so Fatal Attraction.” Whoa there, “friend”! That’s a pretty cruel and inflammatory comparison! It’s one thing to scribble a name in a notebook, but it’s another thing entirely to be a rabbit-killing maniac who refuses to be ignored!
Christina Applegate Is Me:
And Also:
- Gwen broke up with Gavin because of his “wandering eye.”
- Amal is blowing through ALL of George’s money.
- Khloe and Kourtney “refuse to go on [Caitlyn’s] show” because “they feel Caitlyn has been more open with the world than with them.”
- Robin Thicke proposed to his rebound. Maybe.
- Wear dusty pink this week or return to dust earlier than expected.
- Give yourself a beachy wave this week or get swept up in one.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: D+ (You go to dinner with Amal and George and they give you a weird look when you order meat.)
Life & Style
OVERJOYED JEN…ADOPTS A BABY GIRL!
Jennifer Aniston has allegedly had quite the year! She and Justin Theroux got married in a secret ceremony, had a secret honeymoon at Sandra Bullock’s house in Austin, got pregnant, forgot about the pregnancy, and now she’s adopted a baby girl! OK, so they don’t have the baby yet, but she have Justin have signed the papers. A source says “there’s still a long way to go, [but they’ve been told they can adopt] and Jen’s happier than ever!” You hear that? Happier than EVER! She was allegedly inspired by Sandra Bullock and her adopted son Louis (allow me to remind you for the second time in this post that Bullock hosted Aniston’s alleged honeymoon in her backyard), and has already begun calling Justin Theroux (again, a reminder that they’re allegedly married) “Big Daddy.” Seems legit!
Blah blah blah more gossip about Kaitlyn and Shawn no thanks.
Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are back together! Sources claim the two are reconciling because “Kourtney’s pain equals ratings gold. She’s being pushed by producers and her money-hungry momager, Kris Jenner, for the sake of her family’s TV show as ratings sink.” Or, as legal expert named Fred Mwangaguhunga claims “she makes more money if Scott stays.” Mwangaguhunga continued, “What if Scott proposes to prove how serious he is? Anything is possible.” Ain’t that the truth!
And Also:
- Calvin Harris’s exes are still sexting him.
- Mariah Carey is worried about Nick Cannon’s health.
- Ben Affleck asked ex-girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow for advice.
- Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello “will make $3M from their wedding.”
- Nick Jonas misses Olivia Culpo desperately.
- Miranda Lambert doesn’t miss Blake Shelton at all!
- Miley Cyrus is about to dump Stella Maxwell.
- It’s been weeks and I still don’t know who Stella Maxwell is.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: C- (You go to dinner with Amal and George and they ask a series of uncomfortable questions like, “So tell us the truth. Do you think we’re a good match? Do people hate us?”)
STAR
BEN AND THE NANNY: PREGNANCY SHOCKER
As we all know, ex-nanny Christine Ouzounian (I can finally spell it in one try!) is in love with Ben Affleck. But, according to Star’s trusty sources, “the feelings aren’t mutual!” After falling for him “in a big way” and “bragging about their romance,” friends are saying she has “delusions of being Ben’s next wife,” even though that couldn’t be further from a real possibility…or could it? Sources say “Ben is petrified she might be pregnant,” which “may make it difficult for him to walk away.” Ben is so nervous about a pregnancy, that he’s been “taking long elevator rides” and going on “late-night wanderings.” Finally, something juicy is coming out of this dumb story: Ben Affleck is taking sad late-night elevator rides alone.
Bill Cosby might be getting ready to flee the country. A friend of “several” victims says “he’s been so shady and flat-out dismissive of the amount of hurt he’s caused these women that they’re worried he’ll run rather than pay damages…The longer this goes on, the more tempting exile becomes.” As for where he wants to run off to, insiders seem to think Cosby has his eyes set on the Middle East. “He has friends in Saudi Arabia…his money could go a long way there.” I just. I don’t know.
And Also:
- Mariah’s getting gastric-bypass surgery?
- Joe and Melissa Gorga are “facing foreclosure.”
- Kendall is jealous of Cara’s acting career and just hired an acting coach.
- Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are getting married on November 22.
- Paula Deen and Michael Groover are getting divorced any second now.
- Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi absolutely LOVE couples therapy.
- Will Arnett absolutely LOVES his Amazon Echo.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: D- (You go to dinner with Amal and George and when the waiter’s all, “You wanna see the dessert menu?” Amal’s like, “We’ll just take the check,” and then she glares at you.)
Appendix:
Fig. 1 – In Touch
Fig. 2 – In Touch
Fig. 3 – Star
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