This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton Is Pregnant With Twins


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sip from the cups of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Ryan Reynolds is the father of Sandra Bullock’s nonexistent unborn baby; Angelina Jolie is a skeleton wearing affordably-priced cashmere; and in a Very Special Commemorative Royal Edition of the Unsolicited Uterus Update, we learn that Duchess Catherine is carrying not one, but two heirs to the throne. Of course. Pip pip cheerio.

“A Baby At 47!”
“Sandra Bullock never intended to be a single parent,” this article begins. Wouldn’t you say that was true for many single moms? Anyway, as her relationship with Ryan Reynolds “ripens into a full-blown romance,” Sandy would like to give little Louis Bullock a baby brother or sister. The copy reads, “And Ryan could be her ticket to having a child of her own!” They make it seem like Jesse James was shooting blanks or something, when we know that he has three kids. Anyway, a “source” says: “Sandra is certainly not to old to try for a baby — especially with help from a fertility doctor.” And it’s really quite perfect, because Ryan and ScarJo broke up because he was “desperate” to have kids and she wanted to concentrate on her career. Plus, as Sandra watches Ryan play with Louis, she falls even more in love. “She’s gone from unlucky in love to beyond blessed and she’s ready to have it all with him.” The sidebar on this piece is about how Jesse and Kat Von D want babies too, because you can’t mention Sandra without dredging up her ex. The only other story worth mentioning in this issue is about how Kate Plus 8 has been canceled and Kate Gosselin is “broke without the TV show.” She’d been “living like a star.” Her staff includes two housekeepers, two nannies, an assistant and a bodyguard; last year she spent $2,000 on haircuts; her house cost $1.3 million; her kids are in private school at a price tag of $5,000 a month (each); and she loooooves to shop. Without a paycheck, something’s gotta give.
Grade: F (lead tankard of moldy mead)

In Touch
“A Wedding To Save The Relationship”
Teresa Guidice renewed her vows in a giant floofy white wedding dress, and “even though bloggers have been calling him everything from a ‘jerk’ to an ‘awful, awful person,’ she thinks Joe is Prince Charming.” So there was a horse-drawn carriage and a huge chocolate cake and pretty pink dresses for the girls and Kevin Jonas even showed up. Let’s not focus on the fact that, according to a source, “Joe speaks to Teresa like someone he hates.” Instead, let’s look at wedding photos, including one of Joe without a shirt! (see Fig. 1) Also inside: Beyoncé is still upset with her father over that alleged-stolen-funds business, so she’s not speaking to him, and her sister, Solange, was the one who told Matthew Knowles that his oldest daughter was pregnant. Ouch. Kris Humphries and supposedly sober Scott “American Psycho” Disick have become drinking buddies, which the Kardashian ladies are not happy about. Apparently at the recent party Kim and Kris had celebrating their move to New York, Scott was chugging out of a bottle of booze and passing it back and forth with Kris. Classy. The next item is about Sandra and Ryan and, like the one in Ok!, begins with the sentence: “Sandra Bullock never had any intention of being a single mom.” Yes. Alright. Got it. Apparently Sandy is naming Ryan as the backup guardian for Louis. He’s not first in line — that would be her sister, Gesine — but the story is still called “A New Daddy For Louis.” And! Just like in Ok!, there’s a sidebar here called “Kat And Jesse Want A Baby!” Next: Taylor Armstrong from The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills broke down while laying out by the pool at a hotel in Palm Springs, and an eyewitness says, “She was completely hysterical.” Yet, as the magazine points out, “her makeup is still perfect.” (See Fig. 2) Janthrax — Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux — are in couples therapy because, I mean, Christ, she really wants it to work this time, you know? And although previous reports have claimed that Jennifer Lopez was super psyched to be single and Marc Anthony was super upset about the divorce, a piece here claims that Marc is not depressed at all and J. Lo is “absolutely crushed.” Lastly: Ashley from The Bachelorette is quitting dentistry to become a fashion designer, as all smiley ladies in the spotlight are mandated to do.
Grade: D+ (BPA-leaking plastic bottle of water with lemon and cayenne pepper)

Life & Style
“Obsessed With Dieting”
The language in this story is sooo dramatic. Brad has been “begging” Angelina to eat, but her weight is “plummeting,” and she is “steadily disintegrating into a pile of bones,” just like a vampire who’s been staked or the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. A nutritional therapist who has no business commenting says of Angelina: “There is zero fat on her arms, and her jawline is sharp. She appears to be at her all-time skinniest.” The mag claims that Angie went to French Connection in London and had to buy a size 2 because they don’t carry anything in size 0 and that is some bullshit if I ever heard any because everything in that store is smaller than a piece of lint on a ladybug. Or maybe there is no 0 in the UK or maybe a UK 2 is a US 0 or maybe things were different when Marilyn Monroe was alive. Whatever. The editors must be spying on her bathroom scale, since they know that Angelina’s weight has “severely yo-yoed,” (see Fig. 3). And! During a recent trip to Benihana in London, she reserved a private room “so she could see the chef cooking the food.” UM, HELLO, AT BENIHANA EVERYONE SEES THE CHEF COOKING THAT IS THE POINT OF THE GODDAMN RESTAURANT. Christ alive. This crap goes on, with much to-do about her “scary-skinny arms, exposed clavicle and stick-thin legs,” and just when you can’t take it anymore, there’s another page about LeAnn Rimes’s “skinny war,” and after that, an article about how Katie Holmes thinks she is too big to make it in Hollywood: “I will forever wage the battle of the thighs!” Head, meet desk. Moving on. Katy Perry started the day of the MTV Awards with a shot of tequila, and at the after party, she drank 3 beers. Addiction specialist Doug Thorburn says Katy’s drinking is risky because her husband’s an alcoholic and “you never know what the recovering person’s trigger is going to be.” Next: Rebecca Gayheart is “pregnant and alone,” because Eric Dane has addiction issues and the marriage is not working out. Jennifer Aniston is “drifting away” from Courteney Cox, the way a tanned, blonde rowboat drifts away from a dock. Why? “Because Courteney doesn’t like Justin much,” says an insider. Just two months after giving birth to her daughter, Victoria Beckham is back to size 0. Just seven weeks after giving birth to her second son, Kate Hudson is wearing a bikini. Jada Pinkett-Smith is not wearing her wedding ring, “the symbol of her love and unity” with Will Smith. Finally: J-Woww is secretly engaged to Roger Williams, the tattooed guido, not the theologian into separation of church and state. That would be cool, too, though.
Grade: C- (mug of cold hot chocolate)

“The Style Issue”
You will find a LOT of fashion in this issue, including tips from Jennifer Lopez like “Women are always taking care of the kids or the house!” and “I’m not really into flats — I’m mostly a high-heels person.” Thank you, Captain Obvious! J.Lo is shilling her new line of clothes sold by Kohl’s and claims “there’s something here for everyone” and “all women are unique — it doesn’t matter your age or size.” The ORLY owl has been paged, let’s get to the gossip. Justin Timberlake loves Jessica Biel, says a “pal,” but “she wants things — like a ring — he’s not going to do.” Tom Hardy says of his trainer, a bloke named P-Nut: “He’s my nanny, my best friend, my manpanion.” Ooh, look, everyone’s favorite: This Thing Looks Like That Thing (See Fig.4). The show Fashion Star will air later this winter, and sources say “there’s definite friction between Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson” on the set. NicRich thinks Jessica doesn’t have a high-fashion eye, which is, like, duh, but she also “makes snarky comments about Jessica’s outfits.” But Jessica doesn’t really care what Nicole thinks, especially since she has that $750 million clothing company and whatnot. Joe Jonas wants Taylor Swift back, not that you care. And last, but not least: Wendy Williams’s shoe closet looks awesome — especially the leopard-print skates! (See Fig. 5)
Grade: C (chipped teacup of lukewarm bark tea)

“Kate Pregnant With Twins!”
“Doctors confirmed the exciting baby news exactly 100 days after the April 29 wedding.” William almost collapsed with joy when Kate told him. Although Kate is still “alarmingly thin,” she is carrying two royal heirs — a boy and a girl! “Were fertility treatments involved? At least one source says yes and that a test has confirmed twins and the sex of the babies.” And, because you’re concerned about the throne above all: “If Kate gives birth to girl-boy twins, under present British law, the boy would become king, even if the girl is born first.” Also inside: Kim Kardashian’s wedding cake was dumped in the garbage and the mag interviewed a worker hired to dismantle stuff after the nuptials. He says: “There it was, one of the highest-priced cakes at a wedding ever, removed from all its glory and discarded as just another piece of trash.” (see Fig. 6) Justin Theroux cannot stand Jennifer Aniston’s new BFF Chelsea Handler; he thinks she is foul-mouthed and a bad influence. Scarlett Johansson approves of Ryan and Sandy’s love affair, plans for marriage and adoption. Eva Longoria is engaged! And it happened the usual way: She was cruising the Mediterranean on a yacht with her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz, his sister Penelope Cruz and her husband, Javier Bardem — as we are all wont to do — when Eduardo asked her to marry him. She said yes. Then Eva and Eduardo jumped in the water together. Then dolphins came and swam around them in a circle and a lobster sang a love song and a newt played a flute and a carp played a harp and the fluke was the duke of soul. Final note: Chaz Bono and his fiancé, Jennifer Elia, are excited about Dancing With The Stars, but what they’re really psyched about is getting married and having kids.
Grade: C+ (crystal goblet of strawberry sparkling wine)


Fig.1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Us

Fig. 5, from Us

Fig. 6, from Star

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