This Week in Tabloids: Khal James Franco to Wed Daenerys Targaryen

“Joe Cheated With The Nanny!”

Let’s talk about Teresa Giudice from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and her worthless, mean husband Joe. Photos from April 22^nd (ok, wait, why is this being written about now?) show Joe hanging out with his former secretary in NYC, which might mean that he was sexy-timing her, too. But that might be false. Whether he cheated or not, Joe seems like a low-class douche who says means things and does mean things, and Teresa should ditch him. Taylor Swift is a terrible neighbor/grumpy old man. Her security guards have been kicking surfers out of their super cool meeting spot. Wait, is this the plot of an ’80s movie? Kanye West’s unwillingness to parade his life and fake happiness on E! make him an “insensitive boyfriend.” Since when did it become normal to put your intimate, private matters on TV? Oh right: Always, if you’re a Kardashian. Born-again virgin Sean Lowe and his gal Catherine Giudici are living together but in separate bedrooms. Congrats Sean, you can still masturbate in private! Jessica Simpson’s $8 million home is uh-mazing. It comes with a gym, Koi pond and sex dungeon (JK). Finally: Dimple McHotty Face Mario Lopez apparently bought houses for his friends when he got rich. Such a cutie.

Grade: C- (teeth-falling-out nightmare)

“Best & Worst Moms!”

What’s better than judging the parenting styles of women you don’t know without seeing them inside their homes? Giving them grades! Yes, the “report cards” in this issue are all about how celebrity moms are raising their kids — based on a few notable actions or quotes and not any kind of real information. Christina Aguilera gets a C- because she throws out her son’s treats for fear that she will eat them. Reese Witherspoon gets a D+ for her “disrespectful attitude toward authority.” Katie Holmes gets a C- for taking Suri to dinner at midnight; Farrah Abraham gets an F for negotiating her porn contract with her daughter in her arms. The kid is 4! Mommy signing paperwork is not damaging. Anyway, Angelina Jolie gets an A+ for getting a mastectomy so her kids don’t have to live without her. Weird how star is being nice to her now after years of “wasting away” headlines. Oh, and that one time they diagnosed her twins with down syndrome. Denise Richards gets an A+ for taking in Charlie Sheen’s other kids while Brooke Mueller was in rehab; and Gwen Stefani gets a D because Gavin Rossdale “aka the nanny” does all the work. Moving on. In another Angelina story, a “source” says she might have one more kid before getting her ovaries removed — just to go for lucky seven. In Kardashian news, Kanye “ruined” Kim’s baby shower when he showed up unhappy, wearing a hoodie and refusing to be filmed for E!. The Olsen twins nose job story is sooo 2007. Ooh, here’s something we haven’t heard about in a while: “Is Jodie Foster’s Baby Daddy James Woods?” (Fig. 1) What else? Kiernan Shipka acted like a brat at a restaurant. Beyoncé’s voice-over in Epic is an “epic bomb.” Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with seven different women during the Cannes Film Festival. “He doesn’t even have to try, they just follow him around” says a source we totally believe, who adds his yacht was the scene of “Gatsby-esque” partying and his fave hookup was a 20-year-old model named Toni Garrn. James Franco and Emilia Clarke, aka Game Of Thrones’ Daenerys Targaryen, are totes in love and he is planning to propose. Or is it all just an elaborate art hoax? By ye old gods, ’tis not: They were recently seen holding hands and kissing at in NYC “as if they’d known each other for years.” A wedding it is. Bring on the raw horse heart hors d’oeuvres. The TV show The Bachelorette has a problem: None of the dudes are into Desiree. “Almost all of them were complaining that she’s boring and not very sexy.” Jennifer Aniston is having “‘last-minute wedding drama” because her nuptials are weeks away and her house isn’t finished. A transsexual escort named Toni Newman claims that she had sex with Mauricio Umansky, the husband of “Real” “Housewife” Kyle Richards. Last, but not least: Jennifer Lopez is trying to have a baby with Casper Smart. Yes, there’s a joke about going from robbing the cradle to rocking the cradle.

Grade: D (flying dream)

“Wedding & A Baby!”

Jennifer Love Hewitt is engaged and pregnant at last. Thank Zeus, because she was going to IMPLODE if she didn’t get married. A self-described “hopeless romantic,” in her relationship book, The Day I Shot Cupid, Love writes: “Once a month, since I was 12 years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring.” Finally her dreams are coming true, and dude seems like a nice guy: six foot two and Ivy-educated, Brian Hallisay was there for Love after her mom/manager died last year and the two have adopted a dog together. But wait! Before JLH can move on with her awesome life, we have to look back at some of her exes! Joey! Carson! Mayer The Player! Not pictured: Wilmer Valderramma. (Fig. 2) Also inside: Friends brought John Mayer to Katy Perry’s Memorial Day barbecue and he spent the night. Apparently she loves when he plays guitar, in which “guitar” means “sex.” What else? Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger are gonna get married; Amanda Bynes has issues, and Lauren Conrad is pushing her EIGHTH book. What are you doing with all your spare time? Finally: We tackled this subject a couple of months ago, but here it is again: Are dudes better bearded? (Fig. 3)

Grade: B- (proposal fantasy)

Addendum

Fig 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Us