This Week In Tabloids: The Bachelorette's Fiancé Has A Roving Eye


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I learn about reality stars and royals. Ali’s planning a wedding despite being betrayed, and we finally have a news about when Prince William and Kate Middleton will tie the knot!

In Touch
“Bachelorette Betrayed!”
This may come as a shock, but Roberto may not be fully invested in his relationship with Ali! Though he “likes Ali,” he wants to make money, and loves the attention. They went out to dinner last week, and when she was in the bathroom, he was checking out all the sexy ladies in the room and kept talking about the “hot girls.” A “friend” says he always criticizes “All-American girls” and that he wants a woman who will stay home — whereas Ali seems like a career woman. Moving on: Rachel Zoe had big hair in high school (see image 7). Has Lea Michele lost too much weight? She’s been on a vegan diet, and Glee is working her all the time! Plus, a source says she wants to be a “major movie star,” and “feels she has to skinny to make it.” The guy who wrote The Hamptons Diet and does not treat the star says she’s not too thin yet, but if she loses 5 lbs., she will be. In a sidebar, we learn that Jenna Ushkowitz has lost about 10 lbs. and thinks they make her look ugly on the show, so she has to look better in person. In other news, Kim Kardashian walked through the Beverly Hills Hotel with Cristiano Ronaldo, and this apparently means that they are dating, even though he has a girlfriend and she is dating Miles Austin. Angelina Jolie is “desperate” to keep Brad Pitt. He was “blindsided” by the tell-all biography, and is giving her the silent treatment, because he is 4 years old. They’re in couples therapy and she is using sex as “her most powerful tool of persuasion.” Margaret says, “What kind of freak sleeps with their partner? That is so weird!” Sandra Bullock and Jesse James still have contact with each other — when he drops off the kids. Finally: “What’s Their Bikini Age?” pits women in swimsuits against themselves; Lindsay Lohan is 24, but “looks” 40; Annalynne McCord has a “boyish build,” which means she is 23 but “looks” 14 (see image 8).
Grade: D- (meeting on a reality show)

“Sisters Torn Apart.”
Basically, the Kardashians hate Scott Disick. Kourtney Kardashian has decided to spend time in New York to get Scott out of a negative environment — and away from her family. There’s not a lot of new information here, and what is here is boring. Moving: Madonna was at a Jay-Z show, and Lourdes says: “My mom was dancing the entire time… In the moment, I was just like, Mom, no. Please, no.” Ashley Greene is dating Joe Jonas, and a source says,” He is definitely feeling Ashley.” If you know who those two people are, congrats! You win a pack of Silly Bandz. In Glee news, Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina) says of Kevin McHale (Artie): “He’s my best friend. I love him to death.” Next: Ali from The Bachelorette and Roberto the dude she wound up with, are like, so in love. They have moved to San Diego together. She says: “I have to learn to cook some Spanish food for Roberto.” She is “between jobs,” but may start a swimwear or lingerie line, because, lord knows, the world is crying out for more skimpy unmentionables “designed” by “celebrities.” Two ladies from The Bachelor are marrying twins, but are not twins themselves, even though they’ve been dressed in the same damn outfit. Confusing! (see image 9) Finally, a moment with Luke Wilson: “I know nothing about technology or computers, and I lead a quiet life. I just found out about the Facebook term ‘status update,’ and I can’t believe my friends do that!”
Grade: D- (fighting with family on a reality show)

“Royal Romance In Ruins.”
This ridiculous story is about how during Prince Williams’s polo match, Kate Middleton was talking to 22-year-old Charlie van Straubenzee — and he whispered into her ear! Plus, she kissed his cheek. LE SCANDALE! Oh, but then we learn that he is Prince William’s best friend’s little brother. So the romance is not in ruins. Or it might be, because Kate went on a three-week vacation in the Caribbean with her family, and only saw Prince William briefly when she came back. Also, she loss 20 lbs. due to stress. In other royal gossip: In 2006, Catherine Ommanney from Real Housewives Of DC — when separated from her husband — went out bar-hopping and cuddling with Prince Harry! She ended up selling her story — about how they shared two, deep, steamy kisses — to a Britloid. Class. Blind item! “What teen star has a yen for celebrity sex tapes? He enjoys seeing Pamela Anderson in action, and loves Kim Kardashian’s X-rated romp. ‘He’s a boy with raging hormones,’ an insider says.” OMG BIEBER HAS THE FEVER! Miley Cyrus is “intent” on getting a boob job, and she’s insisting her parents sign the consent form, which is required, since she is still 17. Katy Perry’s tummy may have been Photoshopped for the cover of Rolling Stone, (see image 10), but Star didn’t have to print “she has love handles and some belly bulge.” She is fucking thin and sitting down! In Bachelorette news, Ali’s ex-boyfriend Jared broke her heart by refusing to give her a ring after dating for close to a year. She was too clingy, apparently. Teresa Giudice’s husband Joe, as mentioned last week, was spotted having dinner with someone who is not his wife. An eyewitness says: “Joe took the girl’s hand and began stroking her arm. They stayed for two hours.” Apparently it’s not uncommon for him to stumble home in the wee hours. He wants out. A “friend” claims that Teresa and Joe sleep in separate bedrooms, and their money problems have him drinking more and getting nasty with Teresa. Not a good scene. Also bad news: The Duggar girls are “trapped.” Jana, 20 and Jill,19 are primarily responsible for the caretaking of the family — cooking, changing diapers, homeschooling, giving haircuts, and washing the clothes they make themselves. God. We are depressed for them. Jill says, “It’s a lot of fun!” But Jana says: “For the past few months, I’ve just really been struggling with attitudes toward different family members. I really need to love my family and have the right attitude, and obey my parents, and honor them. I’ve asked the Lord to help me, because it’s not a one-time thing.” We would like to send a message to Jana: RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. There’s news about Farrah from Teen Mom in this issue; her dad caught her having sex when she was 16 and punched the kid in the face and grabbed him by the throat. Then he talked to that guy for 45 minutes — forcing him to stay naked. Lastly, Jessica Simpson is telling her friends that she is going to marry Eric Johnson, even though she’s only been seeing him for a few weeks. She bought herself and engagement ring! A $50,000 three carat emerald-cut diamond! Eric is worried he’s not financially secure enough to start a future with her, but Jessica wanted to show him that she doesn’t care about that — and she has enough money for them both. Aww.
Grade: D (giving birth on a reality show)

“The William & Kate Wedding Tell-All.”
This mag usually sucks, and has a track record for getting an F every week. But the editors were smart to get an interview with Princess Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell, since he actually knows a thing or two about the royal family. He says: “In 2012, it will be the London Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee [her 60th anniversary as Queen]. I don’t think there’s any room left for a massive royal wedding. But in 2011, Prince Philip’s 90th birthday, in June, is the only major function. August and September and October are a complete no-no, because the Queen is on holiday at Balmoral castle. They could wait for November, but I think Kate’s a summer bride, so I think they’ll marry in July 2011. They’ll probably announce the date on the same day as the engagement.” Burrell also says Kate will not get Princess Diana’s engagement ring, because “it’s not William’s to give. It’s Harry’s.” When the Princess died… William chose to take her watch, and Harry chose to take her ring. This is some of the most logical stuff we’ve read about this damn wedding, so we believe it. Burrell also knows: “A huge shipment of vintage Krug champagne has already been delivered to Buckingham Palace, which is unusual.” Finally: “What I Ate Today” by Niecy Nash. “I started out with some steel-cut oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar. I had a piece of toast and bacon. Oh, and all of it was so good!.” For lunch she had shrimp and french fries; then some carrot cake, and for dinner, she went to Fresco and had angelhair pasta with shrimp and cherry tomatoes. “I eat. Oh, yeah. I get it in.”
Grade: D+ (eating on a reality show)

Life & Style
“Single Again”
Insiders say that Kim Kardashian’s relationship with Miles Austin has fizzled out. Proof: She walked through the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel with Cristiano Ronaldo. A source snipes, “If she were really crazy about Miles, she wouldn’t have done that.” Anyway, this all boring, who cares. Margaret stopped reading after this sentence: “All this plays out in the new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” Kim tells Life & Style, confirming she’s unattached. “You’ll see me single,” she says, “and having a good time.” In other words: This mag cover is an ad. Next: Bachelorette Ali talked to the magazine about her dream wedding. It’ll be next spring or summer, and the theme will “yellow.” Both the bride and groom will wear sneakers; she says: “I hate wearing heels. It’s my wedding day, and I just wouldn’t be able to dance around and be comfortable.” It’s fine. ABC is paying! They will surely capture some adorable photo of her lifting her dress to show off her adorable sneakers. Here are some “front runners” for who might appear on the next season of Dancing With The Stars: Teresa Giudice from RHONJ; Jon Gosselin; Audrina Patridge; Ali from The Bachelorette; and The Situation. Question: Did Brittany from Glee get a boob job? (see image 11) In royals news, Prince William has a cottage in Anglesey, Wales, and he and Kate live there. Together. Lady Gaga’s boyfriend Luc Carl is using her to further his own career and his blog,, which he wants to turn into a book. In “Boob Job, Bra Or Baby?” we are asked to judge what is making the mammary glands of certain celebrity women look the way they do. Lastly: Margaret’s fave thing in this mag was James Van Der Beek’s World Exclusive Wedding Album. He and his bride were both raised Christian, but “found Kabbalah to found the spiritual philosophy that rang the most true.” The wedding was in Israel, and Dawson says it was a “sacred union of our souls.” Also, the bride and groom met in Israel when Dawson was still married to his wife of six years, Heather Ann McComb. He says: “I was telling my friend and teacher Shalom that after everything I’d been through, I finally felt ready for a relationship — someone I could grow old with, change with… a soulmate. I was in midsentence, when, from behind us, a female voice interrupted. At first, I was annoyed — who had the nerve to butt in on such an important revelation? Then I turned around and saw her.” (see image 12)
Grade: C- (getting a reality show to pay for your wedding)

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