Turn Into Val Kilmer And Rahm Emanuel, Or Die (Hard) Trying


The fact that most Americans don’t believe in evolution totally explains why Val Kilmer will rule the world, everyone thinks Rahm Emanuel is hot, Bobby Jindal has a political career and everyone hates Tim Geithner.

In an effort to find a unified theory for the blinding stupidity that is sometimes American politics, I have searched far and wide and while I’m not yet ready to claim this is the reason rather than just another symptom, I feel it incumbent on me to bring your attention, dear readers, to the fact that 61 percent of Americans just aren’t ready to buy into that whole evolution “theory” thing. And, with that, somehow the presence of Val Kilmer on the political stage feels explained, so don’t come crying to me when he’s the governor of New Mexico, Ah-nuld is still in California and Bruce Willis is running against David Paterson in New York because of his time playing a New York City cop in Die Hard. Maybe he’ll even get Justin Long to be his nerdy-but-sweet Lieutenant Governor and make moonie eyes at Rumer! (And, yes, I saw the last one, don’t judge.) We all know how I feel about Justin Long, if not evolution.

Anyway, so, everyone pretty much hates Tim Geithner and his super-pricey bank bailout plan, even the dudes that already took $60 billion and plan on paying out $2-3 billion in “retention” bonuses in this 7.6% unemployment, the-sky-is-falling economy because, naturally, they’re afraid of losing their employees and not of having to admit that they’re paying bonuses again. Not that paying out bonuses would be more than a PR problem, like, say, a failure of foresight, leadership or common sense of anything. Nope. A PR problem, because us peons will just strut and fret our hour upon the stage and then be heard no more, no more. I mean, even fucking Fidel Castro thinks it sucks so, apparently, he’s got some money in or a cousin in management at Citibank. Barney Frank, though, thinks the bankers and Fidel Castro and maybe even Tim Geithner should shut the fuck up, but Barney Frank feels that way most of the time, which is why we love him.

In other news, the Senate is finally going to vote on Hilda Solis’s nomination to be Labor Secretary and Leon Panetta’s nomination to be CIA director, so maybe even Congress is evolving past catfights between Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and corruption scandals featuring Democratic Congressman John Murtha. Or, you know, not. Bobby Jindal, no great believer in evolution, will be giving the Republican response to Obama’s faux State of the Union which means both that his aspirations for higher office are about to be totally fucking over and that the Republican Party is going to have to come up with yet another person of color the next time they need a public face for something. Whatever happened to J.C. Watts? That dude was smokin’.

In the meantime, Democratic Senators realize they’ll eventually lose power in the Senate, Obama might send more troops to Afghanistan, Pat Leahy thinks Dick Cheney can go fuck himself, Rod Blagojevich says all other elected officials are adulterers and alcoholics; and Rahm Emanue’ls “fingerprints are all over [Obama’s] package” which is some Star Trek worth fan fic if I ever heard it.

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