We Need Some New Oscar Categories So People Will Stay Awake Until Best Picture Is Announced
LatestTonight, Hollywood’s most glamorous celebrities will assemble for one of the longest-running live-television masturbating marathons of all time: the 85th Academy Awards. Perhaps the most incredible thing about the Academy Awards is how, in spite of the almost commonplace knowledge that the doling out of gold statuettes has almost nothing to do with merit and almost everything to do with how much abuse Harvey Weinstein has showered on the Academy voters, people keep showing up and tuning in. I think we’d all like to believe that we’d pull a George C. Scott and publicly call the Oscars “a goddamn meat parade” while simultaneously refusing a nomination, but, speaking for myself, if someone ever decided to give me an Oscar for something, I’d get up on stage, unfold a little piece of paper, and promptly urinate with joy in front of America while stuttering through my thank-yous.
Why? The Oscars don’t mean anything, really, and not just in a macrocosmic, we’re-all-just-ants-marching-on-the-orange-rind-that-is-Earth sort of way. It’s actually a meaningless award, conveyed to established stars by the crypt keepers who stand sentry-like over Hollywood’s mausoleum of faded glory. Sure, the Academy is trying to draw younger audiences with having James Franco do bong-rips onstage and letting Seth MacFarlane announce winners in a Peter Griffin voice, but that’s like building a sandcastle fortress to withstand the rising tide — you can’t forestall the inevitable, which in the case of the Academy Awards, is audience apathy.
In fact, nothing short of a full-blown category makeover can save the Oscars from melting into the vast beachscape of shifting tastes, which is why it is of the most dire importance that every ardent cinephile should push for the following categories to be incorporated into the show immediately:
Best Facial Hair
What better way to draw in a younger, hipper demographic than by hitching the Academy Award limousine to the hipster food truck? This award wouldn’t be presented to an actor — an actor is merely the canvas on which a facial hair masterpiece is painted. This year, the Facial Hair Oscar would be officially handed to Matthew MacFayden’s Anna Karenina mustache, which would rustle for an interminable two minutes before being ushered offstage.