When Dr. Pimple Popper Encounters the Biggest Cyst and Milia She's Ever Seen, We Encounter Hell

By Megan Reynolds | July 19, 2018 | 5:02pm

Entertainment TV

Since we didn’t dry up and die like a popped lipoma after watching the first episode of TLC’s deliriously gross new series Dr. Pimple Popper, we’re back to chat about what the hell is going on in episode 2 and what it’s doing to our constitutions. Join us if you dare.

Megan: Ugh. The world’s largest lump. Fuckin’ kill me.

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Rich: As usual, this is as extreme for Dr. Pimple Popper as it is for us. The biggest, the grossest, the pus-iest.

Megan: I have already gagged and that was just the credits.

Rich: Was it at, “Sometimes it smells like mold?”

Megan: It was when the person was squeezing shit outta their body.

Rich: This is really coming at me fast. A 49-year-old airline crew member named Ronen has a big lump above his left knee that he describes as looking like a piece of dough.

Megan: I actually can’t look at Ronen’s lump without feeling intensely uncomfortable, which is also how he feels I’m sure….

Rich: I can’t help but watch this and think it’s going to happen to me. No one had any idea they’d have a lump and then one day, they had a medium pizza’s worth of dough under their skin.

Rich: He wears shorts!

Megan: You have to let it breathe!! Is it rude of me to say that if it were me, I’d put googly eyes on it?

Rich: No, I think that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about his lump. He keeps talking about his lump like it’s a dick. “Bigger than average.” “It’s a big monster.” Oh and now Dr. Pimple Popper says, “I have never seen anybody with a ball like this.” They’re trolling us.

Megan: They are trolling us. My eyes are watering now? “What’s in here? Is it liquid or is it solid.” IT’S A CYST. “CYST FRAGMENTS.”

Rich: The name of my forthcoming ambient album.

Megan: The Biggest Cyst I’ve Ever Seen: A Memoir.

Rich: Do you think when she said, “Get this cyst out of your system,” she thought of it as “cyst-em” in her head? Oh great, “That’s like oatmeal.”

Megan: I gagged. I almost threw up. Richard, I scared the cat.

Rich: It’s a bit early in our chat to include my roundup of food metaphors used to describe growths and/or their constituents, but I’m going to do it here so people can see the oatmeal flow.

Rich: This week’s metaphors also included: silver skin on tenderloin steak, spoiled cheese, and a pinto bean. 🙂

Megan: That was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen.

Rich: “All this is is skin cells”…and demons!

We move on to Amber, a 37-year-old radio DJ from Ada, Oklahoma, with the chronic skin condition known as hidradenitis suppurativa.

Megan: Wow, this actually sucks.

Rich: She’s going to be okay.

Megan: Doctors are rude to women!!

Megan: Excuse me, Rhonda, her stepmother. Rhonda, bitch, you try living with this shit!

Rich: To be fair, it is graphic.

Megan: Aw I’m gonna be so happy when this woman no longer feels hideous and pus-y.

Rich: I know, this is where the real good of Dr. PP shines through.

Megan: Yes! Because she does actually listen to people, when other medical professionals are like, “You’re disgusting go away, stop eating Doritos,” which is so rude, classist, sexist, probably?? Sizeist!! I don’t know.

Rich: I don’t care if this is propaganda, I totally believe that Dr. PP is one of the best people in the world.

Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper cares and she loves her clients! I used to think she was exploitative. She is still probably exploitative, but TLC’s framing is making me think that she cares.

Rich: It’s like, “One for you, one for me,” at worst.

And now, we meet Sandy, who has a growth on her neck that she has named “Tommy the Tumor.”

Megan: You know after seeing Ronen’s softball size cyst, I am immune to everything else. Tommy the Tumor is only the size of a golf ball. Bring it the fuck on!!!!!!

Rich: “It’s like a little eyeball of fat.”

Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper is fingering it. I want to die.

Rich: “When I’m probing deeper in the neck area, I am trying to use non-sharp tools.” Same again.

Megan: Yas, fibrous lipoma!! It’s really fucked up that the doctor is just digging in there so close to her NERVES.

Rich: I am actually the closest I’ve ever been to feeling faint while watching this. I hate nerve stuff the most, I guess.

Rich: Wow, Dr. PP did not get the whole lipoma out. A rare miss.

Megan: But she at least was like, “She needs a diff doctor!!” Oh no, Kristy.

We meet Kristy, a 48-year-old Texan with a “pinto bean” shaped growth on her eyelid.

Megan: This is gonna kill me, I’m pretty sure.

Rich: Oh my god, I have a white dot on my eye.

Megan: Wait you do?!

Rich: Her eye smells. That’s…not usually how that works. I’m really feeling thin-blooded now. I have a really hard time with eye stuff.

Megan: MILIA.

Rich: Not just milia, THE BIGGEST MILIA. My favorite Elliott Smith song.

Megan: This poor woman.

Rich: I have milia. This is going to happen to me.

Megan: You do?!? By your eye?!?!??!

Rich: I’ve HAD THEM ON MY EYELID!!!

Megan: Omg, she’s free!!!!

Rich: It looks like Dr. PP is removing an eyeball from Kristy’s eyeball.

Megan: Everyone’s okay!! It’s over. I feel relief.

Rich: I didn’t pass out or throw up or die, today is going great.

Megan: I almost threw up and I think Icried off my mascara and I scared the cat twice.

Rich: I have to go eat breakfast but…I don’t want to.

Megan: Whew BREAKFAST. I ate before this. It was yogurt.

Rich: I’m going to have…oatmeal.