Last week, badminton officials announced a new rule that would have required female players to wear skirts or dresses at all official competitions. Unsurprisingly, this did not sit very well with the general public and with most people who didn’t arrive here in a time machine from 1962.
Officials responded to overwhelming criticism of the rule and today announced that they’d recanted. According to the New York Times,
Nora Perry, a former world champion from England who represents women on the executive council of the badminton federation and who embraced the proposed rule, said in a statement Sunday that it would not be implemented until further studied.
“It is still our intention to focus on a better presentation of the game, but we will like to broaden the scope to include both men and women, and the feedback will also include views from various stakeholders such as the clothing manufacturers,” Perry said.
Now that fun-ruining badminton officials have backed off on the whole “stay away from my shuttlecock unless you look right” rule, how will spectators possibly become sexually aroused while watching an athletic competition now?
Don’t fret! There are other opportunities for punched up sexiness in the world of sports. Let’s examine a few right now, shall we?
Men’s Basketball
Shorten the shorts to pre-Reagan administration levels and put Rasheed Wallace in some long sleeves, for crying out loud.
NCAA Football
No helmets so that we can see their handsome, chiseled, collegiate faces. Get Gillette to sponsor all NCAA teams and conferences so that the players are all nice and clean shaven.
Women’s Golf
After every round of golf, interviewees are required to suck on officially licensed LPGA lollipops and finish every sentence with “… in bed.” Example: “I felt like I played a great round out there today… in bed.” or “I spent a lot of time in the sand… in bed.”
Men’s Tennis
Participants will henceforth compete wearing only bodypaint and banana hammocks. Consider adding disco balls.
Hockey (men’s and women’s)
The sticks will be shaped like oversized penises and the goals will be painted to look like open mouths.
Baseball
Why not play it pantslessly and replace the base paths with slip n slides?
Skiing
Replace utilitarian ski clothing with less practical but sexier muscle tanks and Daisy Dukes.
Jai Alai
Install catwalks around all Jai Alai courts and have a parade of 20-year-old Brazilians model the latest in eveningwear during all matches. Enforce a fine on any Jai Alai players who accidentally hit a model with the ball.
Cricket
Replace boring white uniforms with leopard print.
Chess
Dim the lights and play slow jams during all internationally recognized tournaments.
Men’s Soccer
Start penalizing players for not removing their shirts after scoring a goal.