Woman Who Shot Missile Into Car Has Most Florida Name EVER (EVER)


This woman’s name is so amazing I had to call the sheriff’ s department to confirm.

A Florida woman was arrested in May for shooting a missile into a vehicle. While this already raises some interesting questions (how did someone get access to a missile and why would she waste it on a car instead of selling it to the Russians?), what’s even more interesting is the woman’s name, which appears on her booking record as, well, here’s a photo:

While I couldn’t get any information on the actual arrest, I had to confirm that the name was real so I put on my reporter hat and started making phone calls. After talking to a worker who wouldn’t give me her name at the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, I was directed to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, where I spoke with Sharon (not interested in talking to me) and Linda, tireless public servant, keeper of the records and star of this particular story.

Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, I’m calling to ask about the name of one of the people you booked and released in May.

Linda: Not yesterday?

Me: No, May.

Linda: Okay, what is her name?

Me: Crystal Metheney.

Linda: Hmmm. And what is your question, sir? (Linda calling me sir was the highlight of my day because usually my high-pitched nasal twang gets a “ma’am” or an “are your parents home?”)

Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?

Linda: That’s what it says here.

Me: Not an alias?

Linda: No.

Me: That’s a pretty amazing name.

Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.

It’s unlikely that we’ll ever know more about Metheney — she was released on a $5000 bond and is hopefully not using her money to buy any more missiles — but Linda will live on through the ages. In fact, if anyone deserves a sitcom (or a documentary on TRU TV) it’s Linda.

Premise from an editor: It will be a new FX sitcom starring Elisabeth Shue as Linda, a small-town florida sheriff trying to keep control of her team of madcap meth-fighting officers. Brilliant!

h/t: Hypervocal

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