"You Are Not Allowed In The House, I Have People Working On A Binding Order"


There is no pain quite like the pain that accompanies the dissolution of a live-in relationship. In a way, only when you find yourself arguing about HALF the cost of THE LARGE MEASURING CUP do you really understand it’s over.

Celia dated Bobby. They fell in love. Celia and Bobby moved in. They moved into the house he owned, and Celia gave up a lot of her furniture to do so. They split costs 50/50, even though their incomes were significantly different — Bobby earned more than twice what Celia did. (Bobby worked at a law firm, though he is not, Celia pointed out, actually a lawyer.) (By the way, Suze Orman doesn’t recommend splitting bills 50/50 when one partner out-earns the other.) Celia and Bobby lived together three years. And then they split up.

It was during the wrenching process of dividing up the household goods that everything, as it so often does, fell to shit.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
** High Priority **
My oster blender, did you pack it?
If not, do toy know where it is?
If yes, which box… It is mine.

Then, another arrived.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
Same with my big frying pan, where is it?
It is obvious now that you have packed *my* things.
You will not be removing any items from the house until these (and any other items I determine that you have packed) have been returned.

And another.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
And the salt and pepper grinder.
Which you gave me as a birthday present very long ago….
Much is missing.
Very unpleased.

You see where this is going.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
All items previously mentioned have been located.

Then she got this.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
Fridges / Freezers: I will remove what I think is yours but after yedterdays performance regarding the dry foodstuffs, you are not allowed back in the house, unsupervised.
…This is your notice that I am unimpressed and you are no longer trusted — very sneaky, and very uncool — you should not have done that. Everything is suspect now. Good job.
You can assist the movers from the porch by the screen or on the truck, but you will not enter the house.
This is not up for negotiation. This is how it will play out.

Bobby sent another e-mail about the food. “I need fridge space,” he said. “You were advised to take it yesterday, and you did not. It is all spoiled, or on its way anyhow.” This would be the same food that she was, apparently, to have removed from the house she was no longer allowed to enter.

Celia replied. This was probably a mistake.

From: Celia
To: Bobby
A few things here:
1) I believe that was my blender that I brought with me when I came. If I was incorrect, I am sorry.
2) I took one frying pan — the blue one. That one I definitely purchased, but the big one, with the glass lid, I did not touch.
3) I did not put the salt/pepper grinder with my things to be packed. If it had been packed, then I’m sorry, it was by accident.
4) I believe that there are still some thigns that I have missed in the kitchen ie measuring cups and a baking sheet. I want to see those when I come.
5) Fine, waste all the food that is the fridge and throw it out. I am currently past the point of caring.
6) I will have Kristen with me on the day of the move. You will let me into the house, so I can make sure I have everything that I need.
7) Can you please verify for me that you were recording everythign, from the second we walked into the house on Saturday.

Yes, that’s right. Bobby the lawyer-wannabe had set up recorders on each floor of the house, to covertly monitor Celia’s and her friends’ conversations as they packed up her things.

From: Bobby
To: Celia
1) I would believe you if we had not already had this discussion previously. You are untrustworthy at this time.
2) Wasn’t talking about that one.
3) You need to start taking responsibility and stop blaming others (Jessica, Dave and Kristen). It was your responsibility to make sure YOUR agents were acting in accordance.
4) I found your ikea knives, those I have put with your stuff (see, I am being fair and honest here). As for measuring CUPS. The small one is mine, and the big one I will try and remember to pack — however that was
“ours” again, and I am pretty sure it is staying based on everything that has transpired… If you want me to add HALF the cost of one to the 60.00 I owe you for bookshelves, fine. There are two baking pans… Both those are mine. The other baking pan / cookie sheet (big, almost brand new) is in your boxes — I saw it when I reclaimed my blender.
5) Everything in the fridge was bought last weekend, or the weekend prior ALREADY. There is wilted everything in there, and I’m not going to start picking out what is good. You honestly think that stuff could
last another 11 days when it has already been at LEAST 10 days? You’re out of your mind.
6) You are not allowed in the house, I have people at the office working on a binding order. Don’t make me serve you. You have shown you cannot be trusted by packing my things, you are not allowed in the house. If
you even step foot on the property I will call the police — I am not kidding. I do not trust you anymore and I don’t feel safe for myself or my property, with you in my presence. You have done this to yourself with your actions. You have nobody to blame but yourself. THIS IS NON NEGOTIABLE.
Kristen is allowed in as far as to supervise, she is allowed to go no further than the basement. This is MY property, these are MY rules, they are not up for negotiation.
Actually — STRIKE THAT. Since I won’t have a witness, I am advising you now that Kristen should not even be there. You know what, she is not allowed INSIDE either. That is the final statement from me on the
matter. This is for my own safety and is non-negotiable.
Let me repeat: you should not have a witness — IF ANYTHING OCCURS, THE IMPARTIAL MOVERS ARE WITNESSES FOR BOTH PARTIES, and if you do they are not allowed in the house.
Since I have shown myself to be forthcoming and trustworthy thus far, I will supervise what the movers take. I promise you that everything in your pile will make it out the door, that is my gaurantee.
If you show up with a witness, they are not allowed on the property for my own sake. The movers are, you and your agent are not.
7) Every single word, both floors, from 10:10am onwards. I have not had time to review anything. So, no, I don’t know if you said anything UNTOWARDS while not in my presence. Recording conversations in canada
only require one party to know, me. If I find anything in there, that will be a notice to my own safety and well being, I will act within the bounds of the law and do everything to protect myself.
I do not feel like going through four hours of audio, so if there is anything in there – I suggest you tell me now.
I trust you will abide by the notices above. This will be the final communication on the matter.

Have a nice Memorial Day Weekend, American Jezzies. And don’t move in with a lover. Ever.

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