12 Days of Fuck This: 6 Christmas Billboards That Should Be Burned

During the... holidays, the messages on billboards become increasingly odd (at best) and utterly ominous (at worst).

By Audra Heinrichs  |  December 20, 2024 | 3:11pm
Photo: Getty Images Entertainment
12 Days of Fuck This: 6 Christmas Billboards That Should Be Burned

You’ve seen them: The blights upon highways and humanity known as billboards. If you asked me, billboards are always a bit desperate: They scream at people just trying to get from point A to point B to “Stop here!” or “Repent, or you’re going to burn in hell for all eternity!” or “Buy this!” or my personal favorite: “Here’s a wildly misleading image of a supposedly aborted fetus to ruin your day!” And this time of year? Their messages become all the more odd (at best) not to mention, utterly ominous (at worst).

Billboards can be ultra-religious (ex: “Keep Christ in Christmas”), ultra-personal (ex: a billboard you remember passing on a road trip circa 1999 that’s never been taken down), or some measure of both (ex: a petty denunciation of your local Atheists). Unfortunately, they aren’t going anywhere…not even in 2024 when they’ve become the least effective advertising strategy, and most people are too busy to look at them because they’re texting and driving. What? You know it’s true. Even if I live in New York and am barely exposed to them, the mere knowledge that they still exist is enough to ruin my holiday.

Scroll for six of the very worst.

6.  “Keep Christ in Christmas”

This ol’ classic! And believe it or not, it’s not even that old. The Knights of Columbus, the world’s largest Catholic fraternal service organization, created the campaign as a reminder to celebrate “the true meaning of Christmas.” But anyone who was born and raised Catholic knows the most patronizing (church officials and the elderly) tend to wield it as less of a reminder, and more of a threat.

“We believe Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, who became man,” one Knights of Columbus representative recently told Inland Catholic. “It is not a shopping holiday for gift-giving. The origins of St. Nicholas were charitable, giving to those in need.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the technically anti-capitalist sentiment. Lately, I’ve been donating what I can to the thousands of Amazon workers striking in the hopes of giving their families a Christmas this year. It’s the imagery (and hypocrisy) of Catholicism I rebuke. Realistically, is the sight of a baby in a manger really moving people to give to those in need? Furthermore, I know plenty of people in need that the Catholic Church isn’t helping. Survivors of its systemic sexual abuse, for instance.

5. “Atheists Strike Out At Christmas”

This month, the Catholic League, a conservative religious organization, denounced local atheists in Madison, Wisconsin via a lengthy billboard that begins, “Atheists Strike Out At Christmas.” According to the Catholic Post, the billboard is in response to the Freedom From Religion Foundation that the Catholic League claims “neutered” the nativity scene at the Capital. How? By installing a sign next to the nativity that read: “At this season of the Winter Solstice, may reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.” Are they taking new members?

Catholic League President Bill Donohue told the Post that he hoped “our billboard emboldens Catholics, letting them know that we will not be bullied by our adversaries.” OK. Again, as a born and raised Catholic: we deserve to be bullied.

4.  “White Christmas”

In Los Angeles, California, a billboard starring Bing Crosby and a Pomeranian appeared earlier this month. It reads: “Happy Christmas from V and Bing Crosby” and “White Christmas out December 6.” Everyone in this country knows who Bing Crosby is, but if you’re wondering who the hell “V” is, in short: one of the BTS guys. Why exactly did he need to collaborate with Crosby’s vocals on an old classic? He didn’t. And who exactly is the Pomeranian? His deceased dog, Yeontan. There are things I wish I didn’t know…

3. “The First Christmas”

In case you missed it: 27 billboards in Times Square went dark in 2023 to depict…the birth of Christ as “Silent Night” played. Who’s to blame for the takeover? The Church of Latter-Day Saints. Who else, apart from The Church of Scientology, could afford such a display? The image of a surround sound nativity scene playing out as a man in a dirtied Minnie Mouse costume lights up a cigarette? My tummy hurts.

2. “…Like Christmas morning every day!”

There’s nothing overtly offensive about this one, but I’m triggered by it. Growing up in Northwest Ohio, a pilgrimage to Bronner’s CHRISTmas (this is literally how it’s spelled) Wonderland in Frankenmuth, Michigan was inevitable in December…or even, mid-July. Here, Christmas is year-round *shudders.* It’s crowded, it’s always hot, and everything looks like it hasn’t been updated since 1987. And it takes two hours to get there from my parents’ house. To this day, I want no part of it.

1.  “It’s OK to say ‘Merry Christmas'”

Photo: Reddit

Back in 2008, some Ohio Catholics became disturbed when “Merry Christmas” was—apparently—being edged out of the lexicon in lieu of “Happy Holidays.” So, two very logical,  very normal women fundraised for 10 billboards to go up in the state to encourage people to keep using “Merry Christmas.” Each one was signed “from Jesus.”

“We feel that Jesus wants to be honored with ‘Merry Christmas,'” one of the women, Linda Bennett, told Fox News at the time. In fairness, it is OK to say Merry Christmas…as long as it’s not to me! I decided that Jesus said so.

Seen any other Christmas billboards worth burning? Drop them in the comments. Bonus points for pictures!

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