12 Days Fuck This: 7 Celeb Christmas Movie Cameos That Hallmark Got Wrong
Hallmark is, at its best, so bad it's good. But when it's so bad it's bad? Chances are, they've done wrong by a celebrity who signed on the dotted line.
Photos: Hallmark Entertainment
Believe it or not, I am a Hallmark Christmas movie historian. The vast knowledge, I fear, was thrust upon me against my will. You learn a lot when at least one television in your parents’ house has been set to the channel (24/7) come Thanksgiving every year since you were 12 years old. For better (and certainly for worse), I can recite the entire Christmas repertoire—so much so, that the good people at Hallmark once let me pay a visit to one of the sets.
I have my favorites (The Nine Lives of Christmas), those I change the channel to escape (Mr. Miracle), and those I watch solely for the cheery little cameos (Ed Asner in The Christmas Card, obviously). At this point, many celebrities have made an appearance to collect a Hallmark check—from Patti LaBelle to Dolly Parton. Do I blame them? Not at all. But there are many I could be less generous about. Alan Thicke? R.I.P., but I don’t care how wholesome he’s written to be, I shudder each time he’s onscreen. The Fonz? Too corny. Donna Kelce? Well, bless her for trying.
Hallmark is, at its best, so bad it’s good. But when it’s so bad it’s bad? Chances are, they’ve done wrong by a celebrity who signed on the dotted line. Here are seven notables:
7. Mariah Carey in A Christmas Melody (2015)
This is a controversial choice, and I get it if you disagree. You’re wrong, but I understand. Mariah Carey is a diva, one of the only living ones left. Therefore, casting her as Lacey Chabert’s high school rival hellbent on stealing the show at the local elementary’s Christmas pageant is a little too on the nose for my taste. Give the Queen of Christmas more to do! Clearly, the suits at Hallmark never saw Precious. To add insult to injury, the story takes place in Ohio. Even as a fellow diva from the devil’s armpit…who is believing someone with her exceptional talent came from Ohio??? Not me.
6. Donna Kelce in Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story (2024)
5. Henry Winkler, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (2008)
No shade to The Most Wonderful Time of the Year; in fact, it’s one of my favorite Hallmark Christmas movies. A single mom overwhelmed by the season? Its formula is simple but effective…with the exception of Henry Winkler, who portrays said single mom’s meddling Uncle Ralph. Instead of providing childcare or, I don’t know, helping out around the house, Winkler’s Ralph borders on annoying in his attempts to pawn his adult niece off on a handsome stranger. It’s unsettling. As if she 1. doesn’t have other priorities, and 2. can’t get her own man! Fuck outta’ here.
4. Alan Thicke, A Cookie Cutter Christmas (2014)
May God rest his soul, but everything this man did on this earthly plane—most of all, make this movie and procreate—was creepy. Here, he’s a chef who is (again) way too involved in the love lives of people younger than he is. I watched this one recently and couldn’t help but draw parallels to a certain sitting president with a lingering touch.
3. Billy Ray Cyrus, Christmas in Canaan (2009)
I’m just going to let you all read Christmas in Canaan‘s logline:
“In the rural town of Canaan, Texas, a clash between two classmates–one, a tough farm boy, and the other, a bright bookish black boy–evolves into an unlikely friendship. The boys’ families devise a plan to teach them a lesson after they fight, but it is a wounded puppy that eventually brings them together. It is amidst the magic of Christmas that the boys learn about family, hope and love despite living under the shadow of racism.”
Nothing like a wounded puppy (and Billy Ray Cyrus) to teach two children (one of them Black) about racism!
2. Tia Mowry, A Gingerbread Romance (2018)
Ever since Sister Sister, I have a special place in my heart for the Mowry sisters. I root for them like, well, my own sister. So, when Tia Mowry was cast as a woman intent on designing and building a gingerbread house in A Gingerbread Romance, I was hopeful for a Tamera cameo as her long-lost twin sister. But alas, the network separated them. What a missed opportunity. They’ve both gone on to star in Lifetime Christmas movies.
1. Kristin Davis, A Heavenly Christmas, 2016
In A Heavenly Christmas, Kristin Davis portrays an angel opposite…Shirley MacLaine. The movie is actually quite good, but Hallmark set her up. How is anyone supposed to give a damn about Charlotte when a Hollywood legend is literally right (!) there (!)
Have I forgotten any? Want to fight me on Mariah Carey? Take it to the comments.
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