The 12 Days of Fuck This: 12 Santas That Trigger Me
If you're unfamiliar with the Jezebel lore, I hate this holiday and have previously tried to figure out why. But this year, I'm going to do as Sheryl Sandberg said and lean in, baby.
Photo: iStockphoto EntertainmentIn DepthLatest
It’s that time of year again…the stockings are hung by the chimney with care; the yuletide has been made gay; major corporations are laying off the innocent and unsuspecting; and I am fucking miserable. That’s right. It’s Christmas, everyone.
For those who don’t know the lore of my complete and utter disdain for this dreaded holiday, I’ll make it short: read this essay. Just kidding. Well, you should read it but I’ll explain here too. In 2022, I spoke to not one but two therapists who specialize in holiday-related trauma about my long-held hatred of Christmas. Apart from an entirely universal disdain for spending a lot of money and being forcibly subjected to mostly bad entertainment and only slightly more enjoyable gatherings, I have never earned the right to hate this holiday. And yet, I truly do.
Essentially, there is no one reason. There are several: from capitalism to the passage of time to being cash poor. Pick one.
My feelings, I regret to report, haven’t changed. So, this year, I thought we’d do things a little differently. Instead of trying to change, as I did last year, we’re going to do as Sheryl Sandberg said and lean in, baby. So, for the next 12 days, I’m counting down the things I hate most about this holiday. It’s the 12 Days of Fuck This. Fellow haters? Consider this my attempt at holding space for you.
Scripturally speaking, the 12 days actually take place between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day to represent waiting for the arrival of the Three Wise Men. But because I’m done with the season the second the sun sets on Christmas Day, I’m starting early. Also: I don’t believe in the existence of wise men, nor do I subscribe to the notion of waiting for them to come.
So, without further ado, on the twelfth day before Christmas, here are 12 onscreen Santas. That. Trigger. Me. I’m not talking about the Grinch or Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. What were they guilty of apart from hating people and drinking too much? I’m talking about Hulk Hogan in Santa With Muscles and Paul Giamatti in Fred Clause.
Pour yourself some eggnog and read on…
The Christmas Story Santa
Photo Credit: YouTube
Doesn’t this guy trigger everyone? If not, I suggest you take that up with your own therapist because he should. We don’t know anything about this man (save for his penchant for pushing small children down a plastic slide at the mall), but the mystery makes him appear all the more maniacal — not to mention the tight shots of his face and his terrible red nose. At the end of the day, he probably just wanted to clock out (relatable). Every December, I’ve been known to mock his monotone, ever-so-slightly demonic “Ho…Ho…Ho…” around my parents’ house at the slightest inconvenience. Still, my inner child shudders each time he appears on screen.
The Tales from the Crypt, Season 1 Santa
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