12 Days of Fuck This: 4 Christmas Villains I Need to Talk Shit With
The Wet Bandits? I want to trip children with them. The Grinch? Let's steal Christmas trees together. Todd and Margo? Find us swapping sunglasses and swilling wine.
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Every Christmas carol requires a villain. Why? Because, as I stated last year, every black hat (and green What) has viable reasons for their hatred, and if it wasn’t for these trauma-addled transgressors, the heroes of the story wouldn’t get to be remembered as such. Is any good worth having without a little bad? Tiny Tim would have been ten feet under if Scrooge didn’t have his little reckoning; Cindy Lou Who would never have discovered the true meaning of Christmas if not for the Grinch’s terrorism; and Bruce Willis wouldn’t have gotten any glory if not for Gruber.
Apart from making every Christmas story more interesting, villains have another purpose too. No, it’s not looking better than the hero, or being funnier, or having superior comebacks. They’re good for talking shit with in the corner of the company Christmas party that is this miserable life. The Wet Bandits? I want to trip children with them. The Grinch? Let’s steal Christmas trees together. Todd and Margo? Find us swapping sunglasses and swilling wine together. You think you can do any of the aforementioned activities with the good guys? Don’t be silly! The fact that I can’t actually become friends with any of these fictional characters? You guessed it: It’s ruining my Christmas.
It was difficult to narrow it down but, here are four heels that I know would heal me.
4. Ebenezer Scrooge, The Muppets Christmas Carol (1992)
Now, I know I’m supposed to hate this labor rights-violating, capitalistic asshole. In the beginning? I do. But it’s a testament to Michael Caine’s acting capabilities that I also feel immense empathy for him in all of his bitter loneliness. By the end, I’m cheering for his little monotone vocals. And I’ll be damned if he doesn’t have me cackling along the way. Let us never forget this line: “If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!” OK, drama queen! In fact, I think I’d actually have to step up my shit-talking game just to hang with him.